Newsletter and jokes 28 July 2017

Hi all 
Sorry this is rather late ... moving Granny has taken more time and effort 
than I thought it would... 
Anyway, the big release this week is war epic Dunkirk, which has  
thoroughly impressed the critics and masses alike (currently at #51 on  
IMDB's top 250 list, just behind Apocalypse Now and ahead of Alien). 
The rest of the lineup will have more niche appeal... including local  
comedy Van der Merwe, which aims to wrap of lot of popular jokes up into 
a movie. Also up is a biopic of American jazz singer Nina Simone, which  
attracted some flack overseas for casting decisions, and joint Hollywood/ 
Bollywood production The Viceroy's House, which puts a personal spin on the 
independence and division of India/Pakistan. 
And lastly, two offerings from Bollywood itself. 
On the previews side, there is a single preview on Thursday evening for 
the chickflick/lesbian film Below Her Mouth (18 LSN). 
Released 28 July 2017 
* Dunkirk (16 V) 
* Dunkirk (IMAX) (16 V) 
* Van der Merwe (PG7-9) 
* Viceroy's House (PG10-12 P) 
* Nina (13 LD) 
* Mubarakan 
* Indu Sarkar  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 4 August  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 
several of us died of tuberculosis. 
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word 
itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 
"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's 
why so is mankind. 
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they 
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some 
good ideas. 
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that 
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if 
they ever press charges. 
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no 
choreography, and the dancers hit each other. 
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what 
her dinner tasted like. 
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
Benjamin was on a safari deep in the Amazon jungle when he found himself 
surrounded by fierce-looking natives. 
As they moved closer, Benjamin suddenly remembered an old trick he saw in a 
movie. Quickly, he pulled out his Bic lighter and flicked the flame towards 
the leader of the natives. 
Astonished, the leader jumped back several feet and gasped, 
"Wow! That's incredible!" 
"You'd better believe it's incredible," says Benjamin, all the while 
continuing to wave the fire at him. 
"It certainly is," says the leader. . . 
"Why, I can't remember the last time I saw a lighter that worked the first 
time you flicked it!" 
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of 
Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and 
thus will not be meeting until the first time. 
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their 
first meeting, so that it would not be confusing. 
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will 
not have a meeting before the first meeting. 
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it 
is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is 
what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the 
When we talk to God, it's prayer. 
When He talks to us, it's schizophrenia. 
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter 
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' 
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore 
the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally 
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, 
chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. 
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, 
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of 
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. 
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent 
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. 
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, 
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." 
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really 
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." 
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". 
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, 
which he opens. 
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." 
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has 
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and 
huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. 
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly 
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really 
decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?" 
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy." 
The importance of correct punctuation. Witness: 
Dear John: 
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, 
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and 
You have ruined me for other men. 
I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be 
forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria. 
As compared to: 
Dear John: 
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, 
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and 
inferior. You have ruined me. 
For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're 
apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,  Gloria. 

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