Newsletter and jokes 22 September 2017

Hi all 
Been a rather hectic week... they installed fibre last weekend and every 
day since then I've been cut off... takes a least an hour to get them to 
restore the connection. And of course this is in the middle of the night, 
meaning I'm rather tired ...Almost makes me wish I was back on ADSL ... :-) 
Anyway ... at the movies... some well rated movies for your viewing  
pleasure. But before we get to those, there is yet another SA film hoping 
for Oscar glory, and it's showing this week at Rosebank Nouveau.  
Unfortunately I don't have it on my showtimes page, but it's showing all 
week so just go... The film is Asinamali, based on Mbongeni Ngema'’s  
multi-award-winning musical. 
As expected last weekend Stephen King grabbed both #1 and #2 at the box 
office ... well done Stephen :-) 
Right... this week sees The Emoji Movie hit the circuits. Reviews overseas 
were generally terrible, and it was even part of Rotten Tomatoes famous 
Zero club for a while. My daughter saw it this evening and was not  
impressed. In spite of all that, it is actually sticking in the top 10s 
in both US and UK for a few weeks already, so clearly it is appealing to  
some people.  
Then we have a new Afrikaans film which seems to have divided the critics, 
although from what I've read it may be politics influencing the opinions, 
as opposed to judging the film on its own merits. 
Bollywood provides one new release, while Hollywood brings two well-rated 
films to the table... one a drama affecting one man after the Boston  
Bombings, and the other a rom-com-cross-cultural-drama which ticked all  
the boxes for the critics... 
Lastly Kingsman: The Golden Circle is going on wide release next week, 
but NuMetro has released the 4DX version this week. Please note that 
although it is 4DX it is 2D not 3D. There is no 3D version. 
But that's not all... there are previews all day Monday for the 2D and IMAX 
versions .... see the previews page and remember to book. 
We've also added the showtimes for two new Ster-Kinekor venues: i'langa,  
and Bulawayo. 
Released 22 September 2017 
* The Emoji Movie (PG) 
* The Emoji Movie (3D) (PG) 
* Vaselinetjie (13 LVP) 
* Stronger (16 L) 
* The Big Sick (16 L) 
* Bhoomi 
* Kingsman: The Golden Circle (4DX) (16 LV) 
Newsletter and jokes  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 6 October  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Only in America... 
You will not believe what happened to me today. I pulled in to get gas at 
the Mobil. 
Having only cash I had to pay inside. 
As I was walking in, I noticed these 2 cops watching a man who was smoking 
while pumping gas. 
I saw him and thought, "is this man drunk, stupid, or just crazy?!! With 
the cops right there too?!" 
But anyway, I went inside and paid. 
As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming, I knew what was 
I looked out the window and the man's arm was on fire! He was swinging his 
arm and running around going crazy! 
As I went outside, the officers had to take him to the ground and they put 
the fire out with their coffees!! 
Then they handcuffed him and threw him in the police car. 
I, being the curious person that I am, I asked the cops what they were 
arresting him for... 
The officer looked me square in the eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!" 
I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after 
everyone boarded. The flight attendant said over the intercom, 
"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off 
your luggage is broken, so we have to do it by hand. We should be finished 
and on our way shortly." 
An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by 
the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There 
stood a gorgeous young woman. 
"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong 
"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But 
you're forty years too late." 
A fight broke out between a couple redneck locals and a lone biker at 
closing time in the local watering hole. After easily laying out the 
drunken hillbillies, the biker heard someone behind him! So he swung around 
and landed a devastating kick to the groin, 
realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking up empty glasses. 
When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the woman alleging 
she was kicked in the altercation?" 
To which, she answered, "I ain't never had no altercation! These is all my 
'riginal parts." 
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired 
by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off 
the loading dock. 
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to 
withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. 
"How much will it cost?" he asked. 
"About $4,500," said the owner. 
"What a relief!" said Joe. "I've finally got job security!" 
A woman and her husband decided to renew our vows in a church, as they had 
been married by a Justice of peace. Their oldest daughter 
Karla was very excited about attending the wedding and shared it with her 
class at school the next day. When her mother picked her up at school that 
day, the teacher informed her that Karla had told the class, "My mother and 
father renewed their bowels yesterday." 
A woman was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned 
asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," he 
replied, "but I've been incapacitated." 
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince her to change her mind and 
She interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?" 
The charity representative hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?" 
A couple years ago, I went to a bar with some friends. Above the bar I 
noticed a sign that read: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent 
Condition. Make Offer." 
So I asked the bartender, "What's a Henway?" 
He said, "Oh, about 2 to 3 kilos." 
On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law overheard a 
patriotic father pointing out a well-known building to his son. 
"You see that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That's the Pentagon." 
Q: What do you call a ghost's mother and father? 
A: Transparents! 

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