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Newsletter and jokes: 27 October 2017

Hi all

Exam season is in full swing, and two months to Christmas. The years
just seem to keep flying faster.... :-)

Anyway, at the movies .... Thor is back, with excellent reviews and a 
good dose of humour, so enjoy.

There's a new animated release for the kiddies, which looks like it 
hasn't made much of an impact overseas.

Balancing against Thor, we have four other adult films, the first being
the obligatory Horror, in the form of Jigsaw. Jigsaw had the reviews
embargoed until today, which is always a worrying sign. But if you like
getting cut up...

On the art circuit, we have a look at the peace process in Northern 
Ireland, and a look at a famous black American lawyer.

Lastly we have a new South African release (which had hoped to get the 
foreign language Oscar nomination), about the tough life in Johannesburg.

On the previews side, there are select previews next Tuesday for From a
House on Willow Street. See the previews page and remember to book.

Note: there were some problems with the data feed from Ster-Kinekor, so
we're missing a lot of screenings for Thor. We hope to get this sorted out
ASAP. But it's showing just about everywhere, in various 2D/3D/3D IMAX, 
and 4DX at suitable Nu Metro venues.

Released 27 October 2017

* Thor: Ragnarok (13 V)
* Thor: Ragnarok (3D) (13 V)",
* Thor: Ragnarok (3D IMAX) (13 V)",
* Thor: Ragnarok (4DX) (13 V)",
* Marshall (13 LVSP)",
* Jigsaw (18 LVH)",
* The Journey (PG10-12 L)",
* Vaya (13 LV)",
* The Jungle Bunch (PG V)",
* The Jungle Bunch (3D) (PG V)",

Forthcoming attractions

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica?  Where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!!!!!  It is a known fact that the penguin is a very
ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.  The
penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as
maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You didn't really believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?


"I think if they named all the hurricanes after men, they probably would
never make it past the Virgin Islands..."


A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job.
After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local
zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his
reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found
him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.

"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.

"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and
whooooosh, they were gone!"


Which reminds me of one of my favourite silly jokes...

Traffic cop arrives at accident scene ... a snail and a tortoise had
"What happened?" he asks.

"I don't know," says the snail ... "it all happened so fast!"


Police Officer in the UK

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an
Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks
eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have
only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab
and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he
falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he
have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss
of my family home?


(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)


'Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this 
animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started 
all of this,' the mother told the volunteer.

'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked.
'Puppy size!' replied the mother

'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for.' 'I
know..... We have seen most of them, ' the mom said in frustration...

Just then Danielle came walking into the office

'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom.

'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come
back on the weekend?'

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed

'You never know when we will get more dogs.Unfortunately, there's always a
supply,' the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry,
I'll find one this weekend,' she said.

Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her.
They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're
not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration.

'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,' Mom added.

Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning .
By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that
housed the smaller dogs.

Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the
first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the
animals during times when
Visitors weren't permitted.

Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a
closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, 'Sorry, but you're not the one.'

It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The
volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog
and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.

'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' She
screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'

'But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few
weeks,' Mom said.

'No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she
'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me
love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to
laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of

'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from
work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy
if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said. Then, holding the puppy
up close to her face, she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his

Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that Makes you sigh.
I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a
sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot

Thor: RagnarokThor: Ragnarok (3D IMAX)Thor: Ragnarok (3D)Thor: Ragnarok (4DX)The JourneyMarshall
The Jungle BunchVayaJigsawThe Jungle Bunch (3D)
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