Newsletter and jokes 3 November 2017

Hi all 
Remember, remember, the 5th of November... if you're doing fireworks 
please be considerate... :-) 
It's exam season so no big block busters this week, Thor was released last 
week and is opening Stateside this week, where there are expectations that 
it may actually set a November record. 
We kick off (mmmm) with Flatliners, a re-imagining of the previous film 
with the same name, but which has had a weaker reception. Staying with 
the dark side, we have From a House on Willow Street as this week's 
(now obligatory) horror release.  
For more uplifting fare, we have Only the Brave, which is matched by the  
other outdoorsy thriller, Wind River. 
From Bollywood we have a detective thriller, and a comedic drama. 
On the previews side, there are previews next Wednesday night for A Bad 
Moms Christmas, I suspect this will be a girls-night-out affair...  
Also on circuit we have the BANFF Mountain Film Festival, 2017's Best 
Commercials, and the opera Norma. Enjoy. :-) 
Released 3 November 2017 
* Flatliners (16 SVH) 
* Wind River (16 LV SV) 
* Only the Brave (PG10-12 L) 
* From a House on Willow Street (16 VH) 
* Ittefaq 
Hotel Salvation (PG7-9) 
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
One of those things I can stare at all day... 
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
An old Van der Merwe joke, updated. 
Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be 
sending a man to the sun within ten years. 
A reporter said, "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the 
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. 
Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night". 
The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into 
thunderous applause. 
Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news 
conference when Trump heard what Kim said, he sneered - "What an idiot. 
Everybody knows there's no sun at night." 
His cabinet and everyone working in the White House broke into thunderous 
If you get a new job before you quit your own, it's called responsible. 
But if you do that with your girlfriend, it's called "cheating." 
ear optimists and pessimists, While you were all arguing over the glass 
being half full or half empty, I drank it. Sincerely, An opportunist 
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of 
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could 
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a 
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new 
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. 
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite 
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in 
the house. 
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked 
him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned 
to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. 
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. 
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a 
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, 
so he ordered a glass of wine for her. 
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, 
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left 
the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing 
romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and 
drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. 
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. 
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a 
four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was 
in the furniture business. 
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the 
worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can 
only find the negative in the positive. 
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His 
search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to 
retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would 
ever believe him. 
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by 
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. 
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a 
duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, 
did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, 
never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each 
time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to 
retrieve it. 
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single 
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything 
unusual about my new dog?" 
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim." 
The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody 
present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up." 
Nobody stood up. 
"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up." 
One elderly gentleman stood up. 
"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, 
somewhat amazed. 
"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but 
I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband." 
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why 
are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there 
in the shade of a tree?" 
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." 
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in 
the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" 
"Intelligence," the boss said. 
"What do you mean, intelligence'?" 
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I 
want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." 
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. 
The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, 
"That's intelligence!" 
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he 
say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." 
"What's intelligence?" said the friend. 
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and 
hit my hand." 

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