Newsletter and jokes 24 November 2017

Hi all 
Well Disney's Coco hits the screens today as their big end-of-year release, 
and it's tracking very well in the USA, where it opened for Thanksgiving. 
They're expecting it to be one of their all-time top earners. 
Also up this week is the remake of the Agatha Christie classic Murder on  
the Orient Express, which despite middling reviews is doing rather well 
at the box office overseas.  
On the adult comedy side, we have the sequel to Daddy's Home, which really 
did not impress the critics at all, but the genre generally does well here 
in SA. 
On the art circuit we have a look at the early life of J.D. Salinger, the  
(notorious) author of (the notorious) Catcher in the Rye (which, believe 
it or not, was occasionally prescribed as a setwork when I was in high 
Lastly we have a rom-com from Ghana of all places, featuring an  
international cast, for those who need cheering up after the exams... 
On the previews side, there are previews all over for A Bad Moms Christmas 
on Saturday, likewise for new Afrikaans black comedy crime caper Vuil  
Wasgoed (also on Saturday), and a handful of premieres for Paddington 2 
next Thursday evening. See the previews page and remember to book. 
Then there's a few limited screenings at the Nouveaus for Chasing Coral, 
David Hockney: Royal Academy of Art, Mozart's Die Zauberflote, The  
Plastic Ocean, and local documentary Strike a Rock, about the Marikana 
Released 24 November 2017 
* Coco (PG) 
* Coco (3D) (PG) 
* Daddy's Home 2 (PG10-12 LVD) 
* Murder on the Orient Express (13 V) 
* Rebel in the Rye (13 LVD) 
* Potato Potahto (16 LS)  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, "What's the matter 
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little 
Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I 
know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like 
that. Why didn't you just laugh? 
"I did!" sobbed Johnny. 
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America. 
MARIA:      Here it  is. 
TEACHER:    Correct. Now class, who discovered America? 
CLASS:      Maria. 
TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN:      You told me to do it without using tables. 
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN:    K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong 
GLENN:    Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:   What are you talking about? 
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't 
have ten years ago. 
WINNIE:    Me! 
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN:      Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
TEACHER:   Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  ' 
MILLIE:    I  is.. 
TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.' 
MILLIE:    All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry 
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't 
punish him? 
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.... 
TEACHER:   Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON:     No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your 
brother's.. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE  :   No, sir. It's the same dog. 
TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when 
people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD:    A teacher 
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his 
shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead 
of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. 
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.. 
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure 
enough, he blessed one of the horses. 
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on 
the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the 
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the 
Priest would bless next. 
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept 
blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. 
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his 
savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which 
horse to bet on. 
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race 
and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the 
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The 
punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. 
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. In a state of 
shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. 
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? 
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, 
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost 
every cent of my savings!'. 
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 
Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the 
difference between a simple blessing and last rites.' 
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a 
bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. 
. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 
. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 
. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense. 
. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 
. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 
. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to 
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 
. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many 
people a company can operate without. 
. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else 
. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job. 
. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. 
. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 
. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It 
could be a right number. 
. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 
. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. 
. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like 
. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size 
. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies 
running around with tattoos? 
. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in 
a Corvette than in a Smart Car. 
. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably 
. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the 
ones who mind, don't matter. 
. "I'd rather go through life sober believing I'm an alcoholic, than go 
through life drunk, trying to prove I'm not." 
. "Occasionally let your mind wander; it knows how to get home." 

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