Newsletter and jokes 15 December 2017

Hi all 
May the Force be With You... :-) 
They're expecting the latest Star Wars episode to open north of USD 200  
million Stateside, and I suppose it will top the box office here too, after 
a few weeks of less-than-stellar new releases. 
Joining the Jedi Knights this week we have another pair of knights in the 
form of of Jackie Chan and James Bond doing some action that should maybe 
be left for younger stars...  
Then we have another West African rom-com, set in Dubai, while the  
art-house release, taking a look at Charles Dickens and his famous 
Christmas Carol novel, rounds out the new releases for today. 
On Thursday, Rangreza (from Pakistan) hits the screens worldwide. 
On the previews side, there are previews most places during the day on 
Saturday for the upcoming "Ferdinand", while there are premieres next 
Thursday night for the final instalment of the Pitch Perfect series. 
See the previews page and remember to book :-) 
Released 15 December 2017 
* Star Wars: The Last Jedi (PG10-12 V) 
* Star Wars: The Last Jedi (3D) (PG10-12 V) 
* Star Wars: The Last Jedi (3D IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Star Wars: The Last Jedi (4DX) (PG10-12 V) 
* The Foreigner (16 LV IAT) 
* The Man Who Invented Christmas (PG) 
* The Wedding Party 2: Destination Dubai 
Releasing 21 December 2017 
Rangreza (Urdu)  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
When Imperial meets Metric... 
1. Ratio of an igloo's circ*mference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = 
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz 
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoar*epower 
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone 
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards 
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton 
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen 
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration 
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration 
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram 
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms 
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University 
Hospital = 1 IV League 
27. 100 Politicians = Not 1 decision 
A good ole West Virginia boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He 
brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, 
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a 
boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep 
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and 
asks where his brother is. 
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind 
the house. 
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a 
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. 
He yells out to him, "What are you doing?" 
His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing." 
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from ""West 
Virginia"" a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, 
I'd come out there and whip your ass!" 
I've been to a lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots. 
Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. 
I've never been in Cognito either.  I hear no one recognizes you there. 
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport... you have to be 
driven there.  I've made several trips. 
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in 
dating them? 
A: Look in the library... under Romantic Fiction. 
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause? 
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the 
garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live. 
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse? 
A: She should tell him she's with child. 
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck? 
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out 
the wrinkles. 
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars? 
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is. 
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories? 
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage. 
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep? 
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon 
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses? 
A: On top of their heads. 
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they 
visit antique shops? 
A: 'Gee, I have one of these. 
Amanda Vanstone went to the beauty shop. She spent more than three hours in 
there. That was only for the estimate. Then she decided to get a mudpack 
and looked great for two days. Unfortunately then the mud fell off. 
The doctor gave Bruce six months to live. So Bruce thought he may as well 
enjoy himself and went off to the pub everyday shouting all his mates. As a 
result he had no money left to pay his doctor's bill, so the doctor gave 
him another six months. 
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" 
Bruce: "I AM 60!" 
Doctor: "See? What did I tell you?" 

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