Newsletter and jokes 5 January 2018

Hi all 
Congrats to the matrics who passed...  
Looks like the new year may start off with more interesting political 
developments. Hopefully all for the better. 
At the movies this week we have the sequel to The Nut Job for the little 
ones, and an adult comedy for their parents. Also up on the art circuit 
is a look at life post-war for American servicemen and women. 
On the previews side, there's a premiere for The Commuter at Cape Gate IMAX 
on Thursday night. Also the 3D IMAX version of Jumanji is now showing. 
Enjoy :-) 
Released 5 January 2018 
* The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature (PG V) 
* The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature (3D) (PG V) 
* Father Figures (16 L) 
* Thank You For Your Service (16 LVS) 
* Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (3D IMAX) (13 LV)  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full cellphone HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
After Osama's body was removed from his compound, the SEALs also removed a 
whole heap of classified information which has helped uncover some of the 
truth behind major events, including the 9/11 attacks. 
According to information received from these doc*ments, September 11 was 
actually caused by two Irish builders installing doors on the 20th floor. 
When one of them asked the other to 'grab a plane and take a bit off the 
top', all hell broke loose. 
A couple was celebrating 50 years together.  Their three kids, all very 
successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour. 
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm 
running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know 
how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." 
"Not to worry," said the father.  "The important thing is that we're all 
together today." 
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.   I 
just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to 
shop for you." 
"It's nothing," said the father.  "We're glad you were able to come." 
Just then the daughter arrived.  "Hello and happy anniversary!   I'm sorry, 
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I 
didn't have time to get you anything." 
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your 
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were 
very poor.  Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. 
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very 
much, but we just never found the time to get married." 
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" 
"Yep," said the father.  "And cheap ones too." 
Employee:: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? 
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? 
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this 
prestigious firm for over ten years. 
Boss: Yes. 
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. 
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to 
talk to you first. 
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just 
now is not the right time. 
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic 
down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into 
consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for 
over a decade. 
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want 
to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an 
extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? 
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! 
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? 
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and my bank! 
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the 
two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand. 
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg 
to differ because, there is : 
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE". 
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"! 
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... 
The secret of enjoying a good wine 
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 
2. If it does not look as if it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth. 
Meghan Markle asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long 
relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't annoy me!" 

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