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Newsletter and jokes: 26 January 2018

Hi all

This week's big release is the final episode of the Maze Runner series, in
all four experience variants.

The Oscar noms have been announced, with The Shape of Water (currently on
circuit) leading with 13, and Three Billboards (coming in Feb) the other
leading contender. 

Gary Oldman added a Screen Actor's Guild award to his trophy case, guess
he'll put it next to the Golden Globe and possibly leave space for Oscar.
His Darkest Hour opens here next week.

This week's Oscar hopeful is Spielberg's The Post, featuring top-line
talent. The animated Monster Family, and gritty crime drama Proud Mary,
round out the lineup.

Also controversial Bollywood epic Padmaavat is now on wide release.

Businesswise, Jumanji is still doing well stateside and locally, by the end
of this weekend it will have overtaken Star Wars: The Force Awakens to
sit behind the two Fast&Furious titles, and Avatar, in the all-time SA top
ten list. 

No previews this week.

Enjoy :-)

Released 26 January 2018

* Maze Runner: The Death Cure (16 LVH)
* Maze Runner: The Death Cure (3D IMAX) (16 LVH)
* Maze Runner: The Death Cure (3D) (16 LVH)
* Maze Runner: The Death Cure (4DX) (16 LVH)
* Monster Family (PG7-9 V)
* Monster Family (3D) (PG7-9 V)
* The Post (PG10-12 L)
* Proud Mary (16 LVD)

Forthcoming attractions

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.  They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us
nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then
don't say it.
Sam Levenson

Don't be humble; you are not that great.
Golda Meir

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days
I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve
immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an
Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to
Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy
driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth,
even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Ernie Kovacs

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger


20 Reasons Horseback riding is better than that other thing...

20. No one looks at you strangely if you wear spurs and carry a crop.
19. You can wear your riding clothes in public.
18. You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.
17. If you have trouble with riding, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a
professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.
15. If your trainer takes videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry
about them showing up on the internet if you become famous.
14. Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've
13. If is perfectly acceptable to ride a horse you have never met before,
just once, or to ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or
12. When you see a really good looking horse, you don't have to feel guilty
about imagining riding him/her.
11. If your regular horse isn't available, no one objects if you ride
another horse.
10. No-one can ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.
9. When dealing with a riding professional, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.
8. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbor to buy riding
7. You can have a riding calendar on your wall in the office, tell riding
jokes, and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for
6. There is no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.
5. If you want to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe
to a premium cable channel.
4. Nobody expects you to promise to ride the same horse for the rest of
your life.
3. Nobody expects you to give up riding if your equine partner loses
interest in the sport.
2. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the
enjoyment of riding.
1. Your horse will never say, "WHAT? You just rode me last week! Is that
all you ever think about?"



1)  You will never play professional basketball.
2)  You swear very well.
3)  At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home
owner or holds political office.  And you have at least one aunt who is a
nun or an uncle who is a priest.
4)  You think you sing very well.
5)  You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6)  There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper and killing
7)  Many of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a
mortal sin.
8)  You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.
10)  You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11)  Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
12)  Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or
Eileen -- and there is at least one member of your family with the full
name -- Mary Catherine Eileen.
13)  Someone in your family is very generous.  It is more than likely you.
14)  You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
15)  You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start
16)  You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in
talent you make up for in frequency.
17)  There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last
keg party.
18)  You are, or know someone, named Murph.
19)  If you don't know Murph, then you know Mac.  If you don't know Murph 
or Mac, then you must know Sully.
20)  You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
21)  You suffer from Irish Alzheimer's -- you forget everything but the 
22)  'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'
23)  Your skin's ability to tan - ah -- not so much.
24)  Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of
25)  There is no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least
forty-five minutes.
26)  At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not
speaking to each other.  Not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each


A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out
of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third
wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish
was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first
wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was
before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always
wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
"That was your first wish, too!"


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica
- where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives
an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


Proud MaryMaze Runner: The Death Cure (3D IMAX)Monster Family (3D)Pad ManMaze Runner: The Death CureMaze Runner: The Death Cure (4DX)Monster Family
Maze Runner: The Death Cure (3D)The Post
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