Newsletter and jokes 2 March 2018

Hi all 
Well it's Oscar weekend, which of course means The Razzies on Saturday 
night, with Transformers: The Last Knight leading the field with 
nine noms. Hoping for infamy are some big names including Russel Crowe, 
Tom Cruise and Anthony Hopkins. Should be fun. :-) 
Opening locally (and Stateside) this week we have Red Sparrow, which has 
had a lukewarm reception from the critics. Having an 18 age restriction is 
not going to help matters either.  
The other big release is the remake of Game Night which fared better  
This week's Oscar hopeful is Daniel Day-Lewis' swansong Phantom Thread,  
which rounds out the adult fare for the week. 
For family viewing we have the animated Gnome Alone, which does not seem 
to have had much overseas exposure yet, as well as local faith-based  
production The Roar. 
Bollywood supplies us with a rom-com, and there is a documentary about  
Hare Krishna on limited release. 
At the Nouveaus, you can catch the ballet Romeo and Juliet, or the opera 
Lastly, there are some previews next week for the action thriller Death 
Wish. See the previews page and remember to book. 
Ster-Kinekor's Sandton City venue is closed for renovations. Also missing 
the showtimes for Eikestad Mall, not sure what is happening there. 
Business-wise, Black Panther is kicking butt, especially Stateside, where 
after two weeks it was sitting on 403 M$, while in comparison, Jumanji: 
Welcome to the Jungle had 387 M$ after 10 weeks. (The SA figures, in  
dollars, are 3.47M$ for Black Panther and 5.24M$ for Jumanji, but there 
may be a takeover in progress...) 
The Film and Publications Board is once again reviewing their ratings  
guidelines. They seem to be of the opinion that our current ratings are  
not strict enough, and in truth, I'm seeing more films getting 18 than  
used to be the case. 
They are also considering two new categories, being Gender Based Violence  
(GBV) and Culturally Sensitive (presumably CS) materials.  
This COULD in theory lead to a film being rated as  
and no, that is not a joke.  
The codes are: 
* L Language 
* N Nudity 
* S Sex 
* V Violence 
* SV Sexual Violence 
* D Drugs 
* B Blasphemy 
* IAT Imitative Acts and Techniques (seldom applied) 
* PPS Pattern and Photo Sensitivity (ditto) 
* GBV Gender-Based Violence 
* CS Culturally Sensitive 
Personally I think they need to take a step back and rethink the system... 
Released 2 March 2018 
* Phantom Thread (16 LV) 
* Game Night (16 LV) 
* Red Sparrow (18 N S V SV) 
* Red Sparrow (IMAX) (18 N S V SV) 
* Gnome Alone (PG V) 
* Gnome Alone (3D) (PG V) 
* The Roar (PG7-9 V) 
* Veerey Ki Wedding 
* Hare Krishna!  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Three racehorses were in the stable waiting for the big race. Trying to 
psych each other out, they began bragging. 
First horse, 'I've been in 38 races and have only lost twice.' 
Second horse, 'Well, I've been in 47 races and have never lost.' 
Third horse, 'Huh, I've never lost either and I even beat Secretariat 
Just then, they heard a chuckle by the stable door, and there was a 
greyhound dog walking up to them. 
The greyhound said, 'That's nothing. I've been in over 200 races and have 
won every one by at least 3 lengths.' 
First horse, 'Wow! That's amazing - a talking dog!' 
Levels of stress: 
You pick up a hitchhiker,  a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside 
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful. 
But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you 
are going to be a father. 
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is 
getting very stressful, 
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. 
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and 
probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved. 
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home. 
Confucius say....... 
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. 
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. 
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent. 
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on  
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. 
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. 
Man who runs in front of car get tired, man who runs behind car get  
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to 
Man with one chopstick go hungry. 
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is 
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat 
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. 
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in 
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 
Crowded elevator smell different to midgets. 
Dear Noah, 
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. 
Sincerely, Unicorns. 
Dear Twilight fans, 
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping 
through them, they can never get an erection. 
Enjoy fantasizing about that. 
Sincerely, Logic 
Dear Icebergs, 
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. 
Sincerely, The Titanic 
Dear J.K. Rowling, 
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? 
Sincerely, Anonymous 
Dear America, 
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. 
Sincerely, Canada 
Dear Boyfriend, 
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can. 
Sincerely, Spiders 
Dear Voldemort, 
So they screwed up your nose too? 
Sincerely, Michael Jackson 
Dear Yahoo, 
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just 
Sincerely, Google 
Dear Justin Bieber, 
Ariel would really love her voice back. 
Sincerely, King Triton 
Dear Rose, 
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us. 
Sincerely, Jack 
Dear Windshield Wipers, 
Can't touch this. 
Sincerely, That Little Triangle 
Dear Taylor Swift, 
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in 
the end. 
Sincerely, Shakespeare 
Dear Soccer Fans, 
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z! 
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas 
Dear Saturn, 
I liked it, so I put a ring on it. 
Sincerely, God 
Dear Rubik's Cube, 
Sincerely, Colorblind 
Dear Sleeping Beauty, 
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the Hun army and 
totally save China for my man. 
All you had to do was wake up. 
Sincerely, Mulan 
Dear Romeo, 
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking... 
Sincerely, Juliet 
Dear Fox News, 
So far, no news about foxes. 
Sincerely, Unimpressed 
Dear Sex Educators, 
Abstinence is only 99.999% effective. 
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary 
Dear Toaster, 
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? 
Sincerely, Toast 
Dear Edward, 
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart. 
Sincerely, a stake 
Dear Prince Charming, 
You've got some explaining to do! 
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty 
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. 
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What 
setting do I use on the washing machine?' 
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' 
He yelled back, ' Liverpool.' 
And they say blondes are dumb... 
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, 
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' 
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' 
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today.' Jack says as he stepped out of 
the shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I 
mowed the lawn like this?' 
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. 
Q: Why do little boys whine? 
A: They are practising to be men. 
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and 
calling your name? 
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. 
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring 
gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. 
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. 
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded 
onto their row boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer 
enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only 
to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. 
Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side 
again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick 
asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' 
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, 
dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row 
and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit 
of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when 
suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 
'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.' 

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