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Newsletter and jokes: 16 March 2018

Hi all

This week's big release is the reboot of the Tomb Raider series, partly
shot here in Cape Town (and I'm still miffed that Alicia didn't drop in for

Unfortunately the response so far from both critics and press has been
very average, so we'll have to see how she does against Black Panther at 
the box office.

The rest of the lineup is a bit of a mixed bag, ranging from Hollywood
Horror via a family movie on the art circuit, to local offbeat Afrikaans
children's horror (if there is such a thing... PG10-12 H?) which is already
getting good rewards on the international film festival circuit.

Lastly Bollywood rolls out the first film about a tax office raid. There
is no truth to the rumour that South Africa will make the second such
film, about a well-known Indian family and ex president.

On the previews side there are previews All Day at selected venues next
Wednesday for Gringo, starring Charlize and Sharlto ...

Released 16 March 2018

* Tomb Raider (3D) (13 V)
* Tomb Raider (13 V)
* Tomb Raider (3D IMAX) (13 V)
* Tomb Raider (4DX) (13 V)
* Goodbye Christopher Robin (PG10-12 V)
* Marrowbone (16 LVH)
* Meerkat Maantuig (PG10-12 H)
* Raid

Forthcoming attractions

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's
nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was
full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there
were nickels in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were
dimes. This morning, there were quarters!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out
of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's
nothing to be scared about," he said.

"You're simply going through the change!"


Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of
Homeland Security

_ Terrorist Plots Discovered = 0

_ Transvestites = 133

_ Hernias = 1,485

_ Hemorrhoid Cases = 3,172

_ Enlarged Prostates = 8,249

_ Breast Implants = 59,350

_ Natural Blondes = 3


Announcement from the Western Cape Government:

Due to the current drought in Cape Town, all public swimming pools have 
closed the two outside lanes of each pool. As for reservoirs they are 
making a determined effort to conserve water supplies by watering
it down.


* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill
so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What
did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."


A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad
habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had
to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. 

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his 
wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of 
him, so he decided to call it a day. 

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the 
backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench 
glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the 
heavens and proclaimed,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!


What have we learned in over two millenia?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be
curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work,
instead of living on public assistance."

- Cicero - 55 BC

So, evidently nothing..

Tomb Raider (3D)Tomb Raider (4DX)Tomb RaiderGoodbye Christopher Robin
Tomb Raider (3D IMAX)RaidMarrowboneMeerkat Maantuig
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