Newsletter and jokes 29 March 2018

Hi all 
This week's big release is Ready Player One, which is expected to top the 
box office in the USA. As to here, I don't know, given that Pacific Rim 
failed to dethrone Black Panther last weekend. In fact it only came in 
third behind Tomb Raider. 
Speaking of top performers, forgot to mention a few weeks back that I've 
replaced the Top Ten commercial and Top Ten Nouveau lists with one Top  
Twenty list, mainly because I no longer reliably receive the Nouveau list. 
On the plus side, I'm also showing the earnings for each title which makes 
for interesting comparisons. With Black Panther at 85 mill as of last  
weekend, the magic 100 is within reach ... first time ever for the local 
The other big release, aimed at a younger audience and families, is Peter  
Rabbit, which has had some purists up in arms about the "licence" the  
makers took with Potter's original character. It didn't do so well  
Stateside but did do extremely well in the UK on opening week last week. 
Then we have a local Afrikaans chick-flick to provide some comic relief. 
Rounding out the lineup, Tyler Perry is back with a dark female revenge  
story, while Helen Mirren exposes her dark side in the spooky Winchester. 
On the art circuit we have Helen (again) and Donald Sutherland taking a  
look at life as we age, while there is a limited release of a faith-based 
film about a Chinese/Scottish olympic athlete. 
Lastly India supplies two new movies tomorrow, including Baaghi 2 which  
features lots of bare male chest for those that like that sort of thing... 
On the previews side, there are isolated previews for the new South African 
western Five Fingers for Marseilles, while animated film Here Comes the  
Grump is showing three times daily all Easter weekend at multiple  
As per usual, if you're on the roads over Easter, please take care... 
Released 29 March 2018 
* Ready Player One (3D) (13 LV PPS) 
* Ready Player One (13 LV PPS) 
* Ready Player One (3D IMAX) (13 LV PPS) 
* Ready Player One (4DX) (13 LV PPS) 
* Peter Rabbit (PG V) 
* Susters (PG7-9 D) 
* Tyler Perry's Acrimony (16 LSVD) 
* Winchester (16 VH) 
* The Leisure Seeker (16 LV) 
* On Wings of Eagles 
Releasing 30 March 2018 
* Baaghi 2 
* Cake  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full cellphone HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he 
explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, 
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." 
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double 
positive can form a negative." 
A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right." 
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti 
homini" - Blessed be mankind. 
A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that 
the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. 
So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti 
homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind. 
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they 
noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could 
also bless those who are gay. 
The pope said, "Sure." 
The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homeni, et tuti 
femini, et tuti fruiti." 
Two  Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by 
mistake. Both are in intensive care... 
One has a dodgy  tikka and the other one is in a korma. 
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." 
- Infantry Journal 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just 
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual 
----------- --------- --------- --------- 
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never 
encountered automatic weapons." 
- General MacArthur 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." 
-  U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt. 
------ ------ --------- --------- --------- 
"Tracers work both ways." 
- U.S. Army Ordnance 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." 
- Infantry Journal 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.Once." 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." 
- Unknown Marine Recruit 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." 
- USAF Ammo Troop 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"Though I Fly Through the  Valley of  Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. 
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." 
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a 
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough 
power left to get you to the scene of the crash." 
------------ --------- --------- --------- 
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club." 
----------- --------- --------- --------- 
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a 
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up. The pilot dies." 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
"Never trade luck for skill." 
There is a man running down the street with a naked women on his back. His 
friend comes up and stops him and asks, "Why do you have a naked women on 
your back?" 
He replied saying, "Well, I'm going to a fancy costume party, I'm a 
His friend asks, "So why is there a naked women on your back?" 
He replied, "Oh, that's Michelle!" 
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? 
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. 
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? 
Customer: Five stars. 
Customer: I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don't 
want my wife to think that it's me.' 
Advisor: 'I will remove them for you.' 
Customer: 'How do I get them back when she is not in?' 
New beauty product: 
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion,  
mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen. 
For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow. 

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