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Newsletter and jokes: 13 April 2018

Hi all

Apologies this was delayed, had a family medical crisis yesterday which
disappeared my day from before lunch till after midnight ...

The BIG release this week is Rampage, with Dwayne Johnson back on screen
after his impressive run with Jumanji.

Joining him on the popular circuit is Here Comes the Grump for the kiddies,
which has had limited exposure overseas to date. 

Then there are limited/Arthouse releases from Colossal, a sci-fi fantasy
comedy, and legal drama Roman J. Israel, Esq.

Lastly we have an off-beat love story from Bollywood.

No previews this week.

Businesswise, Peter Rabbit continues to perform well locally and in the UK,
while Black Panther should become the first film locally to clear 100 MR
by the end of the weekend (if not there already).

Enjoy :-)

Released 13 April 2018

* Rampage (3D) (13 LV)
* Rampage (13 LV)
* Rampage (3D IMAX) (13 LV)
* Rampage (4DX) (13 LV)
* Here Comes the Grump (PG7-9 V)
* Colossal (16 LVD)
* Roman J. Israel, Esq. (13 LP)
* October (Hindi)

Forthcoming attractions

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors,
and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change
their underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The
Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy,
you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but
don't count on things smelling any better.


It was the morning before the Battle of Hastings and King Harold was
walking among the troops to boost morale when he came to a platoon of

"G'day lads" says the king" who is the best among you"?

 Cries of "Cedric sire" went up.
"Right" says the King, "See yonder mighty oak and the knot in it's bark
halfway down"?
"Too bloody right" says Cedric (a blow-in from OZ!)
"Let that be your target" says the king.
Cedric, no messing about, hits it smack dead centre to loud cheers from one
and all.
The King hands him a gold sovereign and says "And so shall you smite the
enemy today" (More Cheering)

The next mob he meets are the 'Axemen." Right" says the King, " who is the
greatest axeman among you"?
Cries of "Baldar, Baldar"
"Right" says the King, " See yonder sapling, canst thou ( that's how they
spoke ) split it in one throw"
No messing, whoosh !!! the sapling is split in two, Baldur gets a gold
sovereign for his piggy bank.

The next mob on his round ones he meets the 'Bowmen (Support Coy?) this
time the King says

"Who is the youngest among you"?
Cries of "Ethelred Sire" A very young pale, skinny, and scared shaking
young lad comes forward.
"See yonder supply wagon Ethelred, slot one into that anywhere you like"
The poor lad is such a bag of nerves he fumbles, wobbles and misses the big
wagon altogether.
Rude jeers from his mates. "No, No" says the King, here's a gold sovereign
for trying.

I'm certain you'll do better in battle"!!!

As the King walks away he turns to one of his Housecarls and mutters"

"Somebody had better watch out for that clown, he could have somebody's eye
out if he's not careful."


A little girl asked her father, 'do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a

The father replied, 'No, some begin with - "If elected I promise..."


Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey
Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"
Harry says, "Yeah, all the time - her own and mine."

My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is
going to make sure that my bank balance is £0. That's nice of her, paying
off my overdraft.

The bloke next door is distraught. He told me his wife, who is deaf, left
him this morning for another man who is deaf. He said that on reflection,
he should have seen the signs.


One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$500 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much
better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'" The
golf pro didn't know what a "gotcha" was, but he went along with it. And
off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to
see the golf pro paying the duffer $500. "What happened?" asked one of the

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought
the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my
crotch while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of
golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"


I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad
I'd placed.

It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time
on a farm.

"I said 'ewes,'" I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale - USED."


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she
wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for
the rest of my life?' 'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the lady replied, 'I 'm wondering
then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'No Repeats'.'


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green
and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband
calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."


Rampage (3D)Here Comes the GrumpRoman J. Israel, Esq.OctoberRampageRampage (3D IMAX)
ColossalRampage (3D)
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