Newsletter and jokes 1 June 2018

Hi all 
June already, guess that means it is winter... I see some stores already 
have winter clothes on special so I guess they're expecting an early 
spring ... 
We're taking a break from US summer blockbusters this week, in preparation 
for next week's Jurassic return. 
First up is the gritty local crime drama Nommer 37, based on a  
multi-award-winning short film of the same name. Joining it in the "crime" 
genre is this week's arthouse release, Chappaquiddick, about Ted Kennedy's 
strange behaviour after driving into a river with two women in the car. 
The Hollywood commercial releases also touch on crime in different ways, 
one being the comedy remake of Overboard, and the other a reverse 
take on Safe Room, namely Breaking In. 
Even Bollywood gets in with the crime angle, as Bhavesh Joshi Superhero 
does the Indian take on Batman, while for the women, we get the comedy 
Veere di Wedding, which insists that it is not a chick flick but it is. 
Note that I don't have the trailer for this film because there are no 
"clean" trailers available ... they all have too much crude language. 
On the previews side, there are launch premieres for Jurassic World:  
Fallen Kingdom at Sandton City next Wednesday. See the previews page 
and remember to book. 
Released 1 June 2018 
* Nommer 37 (16 LVD) 
* Overboard (13 LSD) 
* Breaking In (16 LV) 
* Chappaquiddick (13 LD) 
* Veere di Wedding 
* Bhavesh Joshi Superhero   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (cellphone wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
I know it's dangerous to knock the old folks, but here goes... 
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are 
interested in them? 
A: Try a bookstore under fiction 
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? 
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. 
Then, when you are done you will have a place to live. 
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that 
true? Where can it be found? 
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt 
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? 
A: Tell him you're pregnant. 
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? 
A: Take off your glasses.. 
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on 
my face? 
A: Go braless.. It will quite often pull them out. 
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? 
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. 
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory 
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. 
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? 
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. 
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? 
A: On their foreheads. 
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter 
antique stores? 
A: 'Gosh, I remember these. 
These are from a book entitled "Disorder in the American Courts," and are 
verbatim quotes of things people actually said in court, as recorded and 
now published by court reporters who had to stay calm and keep a straight 
face while the exchanges were actually taking place. 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget.. 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 
WITNESS: We both do. 
ATTORNEY: Voodoo? 
WITNESS: We do.. 
ATTORNEY: You do? 
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , 
he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? 
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? 
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death.. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Take a guess. 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead 
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral... 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
And last: 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began 
the autopsy? 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing 
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your 
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' 
A guy and his wife were playing 18 holes of golf. It was a beautiful sunny 
day and they had the entire course to themselves. 
When he was about to hit off at the 13th hole, he collapsed to the ground, 
clutching his chest, having a heart attack. Despite the fact that he was 
6'2" and weighed 18 stone, she picked him up, put him on her shoulders and 
headed for the clubhouse. 
She eventually arrived at the clubhouse still carrying her huge husband on 
her shoulders. Two other club members arrived and helped carry him inside, 
called an ambulance and sent him to the hospital. 
"How could you carry such a huge man on your shoulders from the 13th hole?" 
the Club President asked the wife in amazement. "Wasn't it difficult?" 
"Yes", said the wife, "but carrying him wasn't the hard part. It was 
picking him up and putting him down after each shot that was difficult." 

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