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Newsletter and jokes: 27 July 2018

Hi all

Well The Cruise is back as Ethan Hunt, in what some critics are calling 
the best action film in recent years. They're  expecting an opening 
weekend in the 65 - 75 M$ Stateside, which would not only be the largest
for the franchise but also for any Tom Cruise film.

For something a lot less hectic we have Adrift, mainly a two-hander on
a boat adrift on the ocean. 

The kiddies are spoilt with two animated offerings, neither of which has
had a US release yet. First up is the TV-to-cinema switch for Teen Titans,
and then episode three of the Russian-made Snow Queen series.

The art circuit has a French domestic post-divorce rom-com, while the local
industry rolls out another episode in the Broken Promises comedy series.

So a rather crowd-pleasing weekend lineup.

There's also the African Film Festival running at Musgrave and Gateway.

Enjoy :-)

Released 27 July 2018

* Mission: Impossible - Fallout (3D) (13 LV)
* Mission: Impossible - Fallout (13 LV)
* Mission: Impossible - Fallout (3D IMAX) (13 LV)
* Mission: Impossible - Fallout (4DX) (13 LV)
* Adrift (13 V)
* Teen Titans Go! To the Movies (PG V)
* The Snow Queen 3: Fire and Ice (3D) (PG V)
* The Snow Queen 3: Fire and Ice (PG V)
* Broken Promises 4-Ever (PG10-12 LSVPD)
* Room (H)ates (16 LNSD) 

Forthcoming attractions

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (Full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week 

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

Some oldies.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says to
the barman:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in
the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ......
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.


Pilots and aircraft service engineers...

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in c*ckpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding 
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.



a.. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.

b.. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each

c.. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

d.. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying
beside her.

e.. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.

f.. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

g.. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk
you down.

h.. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -
noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building undetected.

i.. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

j.. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

k.. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

l.. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition,
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

m.. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

n.. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

o.. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

p.. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

q.. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.

r.. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

s.. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

t.. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

u.. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

v.. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

w.. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK

x.. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

y.. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

z.. It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone

aa.. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

ab.. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are

ac.. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from

ad.. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their

ae.. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

af.. No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

ag.. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

ah.. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

ai.. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

aj.. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment that it is aired.


Mission: Impossible - Fallout (3D)Teen Titans Go! To the MoviesAdriftSnow Queen 3 (3D)Room (H)atesSnow Queen 3Mission: Impossible - FalloutMission: Impossible - Fallout (3D IMAX)Mission: Impossible - Fallout (4DX)Broken Promises 4-Ever
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