Newsletter and jokes 31 August 2018

Hi all 
It's treat time for the kiddies this week as the third episode of Hotel 
Transylvania hits the screens. At the same time, we're officially marking 
the end of the US summer movie season, which means they get to put away  
their Coke and popcorn and switch to watching fancy people drinking tea as 
we move towards the end of the year, and the Awards Hopefuls hit the  
The rest of this week's lineup is aimed squarely at the adults, kicking 
off with Melissa McCarthy's The Happytime Murders, which has had a  
difficult time from conception to completion. Keeping with the theme of 
death and destruction, the Purge series goes back in time to the beginning, 
to let us see how the whole thing got started. Some US critics hope this 
also means the end of the series... :-) 
On the art ciruit, we have a new Wim Wenders film which failed to impress 
the critics (getting a rare 0 on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer) (and  
there's another one like that coming in a few weeks...). 
Switching to something more pleasant, the local industry is rolling out its 
take on the rom-com genre with Looking for Love, which hopes to break 
some new ground at the box office. 
Lastly, Bollywood goes for laughs this week in two ways, one a straight 
buddy-type comedy, and then a horror-comedy, which is a new direction for  
On the previews side, there are premieres for Ellen: Die Ellen Pakkies  
Storie at select venues next Thursday, and for The Nun at the IMAX cinemas 
next Wednesday. See the previews page and remember to book. 
Releasing 31 August 2018 
* Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (3D) (PG V) 
* Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (PG V) 
* Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (4DX) (PG V) 
* The First Purge (18 LVSHPD) 
* Eva (16 NSV) 
* The Happytime Murders (18 LVSPD) 
* Looking for Love (16 LSVD) 
* Stree (Hindi) 
* Yamla Pagla Deewana: Phir Se (Hindi)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. 
His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a 
railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from 
Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the 
"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a 
specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight 
locomotives though." 
"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir 
Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 
"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying 
"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national 
museum after all, funded by the taxpayer." 
"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the 
LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, 
and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower." 
"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's 
look at renaming 4472. 
But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, 
given the expenses scandal!" 
Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'." 
An oldie. 
Bill was stopped by a game warden in North Carolina as he was returning to 
his motor home with a bucket full of still-alive fish. 
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?", the game warden asked. 
"No, sir. These are my pet fish", the man replied. 
"Pet fish"? the warden asked. 
"Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I camped and 
let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right 
back into the bucket and I take them back to the motor home." 
"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad 
of citations. 
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't 
believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works". 
Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed. 
So they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the lake, 
where they disappeared into the water. 
"Okay, said the warden. "Call them back." 
"Call who back?" 
"The fish," replied the warden. 
"What fish"? asked the man. 
Why do we love children? 
I was driving with my three young children on e warm summer evening when a 
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. 
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old 
shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from 
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not 
necessarily those of his parents.' 
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her 
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the 
phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's 
hitting the bottle.' 
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker 
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, 
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched 
in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a 
little boy before? ' 
5) POLICE # 1 
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was 
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my 
uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing 
the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. 
Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as  
she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 
6) POLICE # 2 
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the 
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, 
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back 
there?' he asked. 
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the 
back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' 
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly 
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. 
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, 
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day 
I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I 
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned 
and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her 
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 
'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the 
next morning.' 
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard 
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that 
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton 
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. 
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with 
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always 
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he 
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting 
my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they 
won't let me talk!' 
11) BIBLE 
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered 
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He 
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that 
had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy  
called out.. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the  
young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' 

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