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Newsletter and jokes: 31 August 2018

Hi all

It's treat time for the kiddies this week as the third episode of Hotel
Transylvania hits the screens. At the same time, we're officially marking
the end of the US summer movie season, which means they get to put away 
their Coke and popcorn and switch to watching fancy people drinking tea as
we move towards the end of the year, and the Awards Hopefuls hit the 

The rest of this week's lineup is aimed squarely at the adults, kicking
off with Melissa McCarthy's The Happytime Murders, which has had a 
difficult time from conception to completion. Keeping with the theme of
death and destruction, the Purge series goes back in time to the beginning,
to let us see how the whole thing got started. Some US critics hope this
also means the end of the series... :-)

On the art ciruit, we have a new Wim Wenders film which failed to impress
the critics (getting a rare 0 on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer) (and 
there's another one like that coming in a few weeks...).

Switching to something more pleasant, the local industry is rolling out its
take on the rom-com genre with Looking for Love, which hopes to break
some new ground at the box office.

Lastly, Bollywood goes for laughs this week in two ways, one a straight
buddy-type comedy, and then a horror-comedy, which is a new direction for 

On the previews side, there are premieres for Ellen: Die Ellen Pakkies 
Storie at select venues next Thursday, and for The Nun at the IMAX cinemas
next Wednesday. See the previews page and remember to book.

Releasing 31 August 2018

* Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (3D) (PG V)
* Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (PG V)
* Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (4DX) (PG V)
* The First Purge (18 LVSHPD)
* Eva (16 NSV)
* The Happytime Murders (18 LVSPD)
* Looking for Love (16 LSVD)
* Stree (Hindi)
* Yamla Pagla Deewana: Phir Se (Hindi) 

Forthcoming attractions

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week 

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a
railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from
Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a
specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight
locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir
Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national
museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the
LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company,
and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's
look at renaming 4472.
But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much,
given the expenses scandal!"

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."


An oldie.

Bill was stopped by a game warden in North Carolina as he was returning to
his motor home with a bucket full of still-alive fish.

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?", the game warden asked.

"No, sir. These are my pet fish", the man replied.

"Pet fish"? the warden asked.

"Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I camped and
let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right
back into the bucket and I take them back to the motor home."

"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad
of citations.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't
believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works".

Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed.

So they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the lake,
where they disappeared into the water.

"Okay, said the warden. "Call them back."

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden.

"What fish"? asked the man.


Why do we love children?

I was driving with my three young children on e warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.'

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before? '

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing
the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as 
she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day
I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned
and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning.'

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting
my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
won't let me talk!'

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy 
called out.. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the 
young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Yamla Pagla Deewana: Phir SeThe First PurgeHotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (3D)StreeHotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation (4DX)The Happytime MurdersLooking for LoveEva
Hotel Transylvania 3: A Monster Vacation
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