Newsletter and jokes 21 September 2018

Hi all 
Spring is sprung ...although if you ask my lemon tree, it will tell you  
that it was probably last month already .... 
Anyway, this week marks 20 years since I left CorporateLand and started 
working for myself. Was a bit scary at the time but have managed to survive 
On to the movies, and you can rest safely now that the world is safe again, 
thanks to the ultra-talented Johnny English doing his thing.  
Contrawise, we take a look at arch criminal John Gotti, with John Travolta 
doing the sneering. I suspect this film may be in the running for some  
Razzie noms next year.  
Moving more upmarket, with the art-scene-and-related, we have a difficult 
legal/moral/personal dilemma in The Children Act, while taking a look at 
another childcare issue (and overeaching state involvement) with the  
highly-rated Leave No Trace (which bragged in the US about being the  
highest rated movie of their summer season). 
The Indian subcontinent has three offerings, all three playing for laughs. 
Then we're heading into Oscar season again, and there are two films  
having their qualifying one-week screenings at Cinema Nouveau Rosebank.  
First up is local Robin Hood tale Sew the Winter to My Skin, while the  
other is a tense family drama in Afrikaans, Die Stropers (going by the  
English name The Harvesters at the moment). 
Lastly, with National Braai Day on Monday, there's a whack of previews as 
    Sunday: The House With a Clock in Its Walls (family) 
    Monday: Smallfoot (animated for the kids) 
    Wednesday: A Simple Favour (adult thriller) 
    Thursday: Baby Mamas (local teen comedy) 
See the previews page and remember to book. 
Releasing 14 September 2018 
* Johnny English Strikes Again (PG10-12 LVD) 
* Gotti (16 LVD) 
* The Children Act (13 LP) 
* Leave No Trace (13) 
* Batti Gul Meter Chalu (Hindi) 
* Nannu Dochukunduvate (Telugu) 
* Theevandi (Malayalam) 
* Sew the Winter to My Skin 
* Die Stropers   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (cellphone wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Little Johnnie strikes again 
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started 
her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After 
a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think 
you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing 
there all by yourself!' 
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her 
face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' 
said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's 
the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?' 
The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. 
She called on him and said, 
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 
'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' 
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local 
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 
10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and 
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the 
policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny 
asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?' 
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his 
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the 
horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, 
why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying 
horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before 
I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telkom guy wants  
to buy Mum.' 
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats 
quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to 
think irrationally??? 
Ever wonder why? 
It's because she smells like a new golf bag or a new car! 
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the 
run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. 
In the last 7 hours the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone 
belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. 
Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will 
likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were 
suspended after they nose-dived. 
The Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks but the Ninja 
Bank is reported to have taken a hit - they however remain in the black. 
Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report 
that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is 
feared that staff may get a raw deal. 
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. 
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching. 
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the 
prettier my mum gets.' 
-- Tim, 7 years old 
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television 
when he is asleep, so beer is nice.' 
-- Mellanie, 7 years old 
'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and 
takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' 
-- Grady, 7 years old 
'My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the 
more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' 
-- Toby, 7 years old 
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, 
so he shouldn't have too much. 
-- Sarah, 7 years old 
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he 
danced right into the pool.' 
-- Lilly, 7 years old 
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the 
sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' 
-- Ethan, 7 years old 
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' 
-- Shirley, 7 years old 
And the best response ... 
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. 
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his 
bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' 
-- Jack, 7 years old 

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