Newsletter and jokes 23 August 2019

Hi all 
It's pretty much an adults-only line-up as far as new movies go this week... 
There's one teen-shark-horror for the teens, in the form of a sequel to 
a film that didn't make it to the big screens here, in 47 Meters Down:  
The big release this week is the third in the "... Has Fallen" action  
series with Gerard Butler, this time around it is Angel Has Fallen. 
It's about what you would expect from this sort of film, and not aiming 
at winning any Oscars. 
Then we have a new Afrikaans release, also aimed at adults which makes a 
change from the usual family-style comedies. We'll have to see how the  
market reacts to Ander Mens. 
Last up is the 30th anniversary release of the iconic Apocalypse Now, now 
subtagged as Final Cut. This version is a little shorter than the "Redux"  
version that released back in 2003, and is only showing on the big IMAX 
screens, where it belongs. It's one of those movies that all serious 
film-goers should see at least once. 
On the previews side, there are a handful of previews for the upcoming  
live-action version of the popular kiddie TV show, Dora and the Lost City  
of Gold, at noon on Sunday. See the previews page and remember to book :-) 
At the Nouveaus, we have "theatre on screen" in the form of The Lehman  
Lastly, Ster-Kinekor is expanding their "subscription service" film  
packages to more venues. Basically you pay a monthly fee and get to watch 
more movies than you otherwise would, as well as discounts on snacks. 
The full list of venues now is: Sandton City, Cresta, Brooklyn Commercial, 
Brooklyn Nouveau, Gateway Theatre of Shopping, Blue Route Mall, Eastgate,  
Watercrest Mall, I’Langa, Somerset Mall, and Garden Route Mall. 
Enjoy :-) 
Released 23 August 2019 
* 47 Meters Down: Uncaged (13 VH) 
* Angel Has Fallen (16 LV) 
* Angel Has Fallen (4DX) (16 LV) 
* Ander Mens (16 LNV) 
* Apocalypse Now: Final Cut (IMAX) (16 LNVD)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper ...)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Some gags from the Edinburgh Comedy festival: 
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might 
have florets syndrome. 
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy. 
What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of  
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said,  
'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'. 
A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it. 
Sleep is my favourite thing in the world.  
It's the reason I get up in the morning. 
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course;  
I'm really struggling to get out of it. 
After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. 
To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian. 
I've got an Private-School-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are  
opened for me by my dad's contacts. 
My mom had always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her one  
for her birthday. A few weeks later, I called and asked how she was doing.  
“We returned the piano,” said Dad. “I persuaded her to switch to a  
“Why?” I asked. 
“Because,” he explained, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing along.” 
Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her “the talk.” 
“Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re with a boy,” I said.  
“Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life.” 
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I don’t plan on ruining my life until I get  
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot.  
Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to  
my three-year-old and told her to drink her milk. 
She looked at me bewildered and replied, “But I didn’t order milk.” 
One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his  
mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him,  
“Mommy is at a Tupperware party.” 
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked,  
“What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?” 
I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation  
would be the best approach.  
“Well, Brian,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around 
and sell plastic bowls to each other.” 
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood.  
Then he burst into laughter. “Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?” 
As the result of an explosive argument with our mother, my little brother  
pasted a sign reading “I hate Mom” on the door to his room, and slammed it  
My dad, a school psychologist, came home after work to this tense standoff. 
“I’ll take care of it,” he confidently told Mom, and went into my brother’s  
Minutes later, Dad came out.  
“He doesn’t hate you anymore,” he reassured her. 
Sure enough, my brother had crossed out “Mom” on his sign.  
It now read “I hate Dad.” 
Sean, my son, was twelve when he first decided to do his own laundry.  
He called me at work to ask how much soap to use.  
“About a capful,” I replied. 
I arrived home a few hours later to find suds halfway up the basement  
“How much soap did you use?” I said, gaping at the mess. 
“Only a capful,” he said sheepishly, holding a damp baseball cap. 
As my fortieth birthday approached, my husband, who is a year younger, was  
doing his best to rub it in. Trying to figure out what all the teasing was  
about, our young daughter asked me, “How old is Daddy?” 
“Thirty-nine,” I told her. 
“And how old will you be?” 
“Forty,” I said sadly. 
“But Mommy,” she exclaimed, “you’re winning!” 

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