Newsletter and jokes 7 February 2020

Hi all 
With the Oscars on Sunday, and school settling down to normal routine,  
there's nothing new for the kiddies this week. It really is an adults-only 
weekend as far as the new releases go. 
First up is the front runner for any award given to Biggest Mouthful of a  
Title, namely Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley 
Quinn, which continues the story of Joker lover and accomplice Harley  
Quinn. It's also on the big screens, but 2D only. 
That's followed by Oscar-bait World War II comedy Jojo Rabbit, which is on 
at the Nouveaus and similar. 
The last mainstream release this week is the British gangland crime drama 
Blue Story, which had some issues when it opened over in Blighty ... there 
were some "incidents," leading some chains to initially pull the film, and 
then re-instate it after the inevitable backlash. 
From Bollywood, we have a chalk-and-cheese romance set in Goa, which morphs 
into a crime drama. 
No previes this week. 
Enjoy :-) 
New this week 
* Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (16 LVD) 
* Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (IMAX) (16 LVD)  
* Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (4DX) (16 LVD) 
* Jojo Rabbit (16 LVP) 
* Blue Story (18 LSVD) 
* Malang - Unleash the Madness (probably 16)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper ...)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Thanks, Ian 
A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an axe to use on  
an overgrown shrub. I put the ax in a bag and went a few doors down to the  
grocery store, where I bought two bottles of wine.  
As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the axe.  
“This,” he said, “has all the makings of a very interesting weekend.” 
A man is woken up by a knock at the door one morning. 
He gets up and goes downstairs to open the door and is met by a  
six-foot-six-inch spider who immediately head-butts him, runs inside,  
tramples all over the man, kicks him in the back, boots his ribs and stamps  
all over him. 
Next thing the homeowner remembers is waking up in hospital.  
Turning to the doctor he says, “I feel terrible. What’s wrong with me?” 
“Don’t worry, everything’s all right,” the doctor tells him.  
“It’s just a vicious bug going about.” 
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. 
Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel  
Service drivers. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a  
package. Struggling to keep hold of her, I joked,  
“As you can see, she just loves UPS men.” 
Circumnavigating us, he muttered, “Don’t you feed her anything else?” 
My wife is a very adventurous cook.  
“How does this sound?” she called out from the kitchen.  
“Bonito, surimi, and anchovies in a decadent, silky broth.” 
“Sounds delicious,” I hollered back. “Is that what we’re having tonight?” 
“No. I’m reading from this packet of cat food.” 
A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check. 
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” 
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot. 
“That’s me in the middle,” she said. 
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see  
that I weighed 144 pounds.  
“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide  
as she made a notation on my chart.  
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart. 
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.” 
Occasionally at the restaurant where I work there are extra desserts, and  
the staff are given some to take home. Once I brought home two pieces of  
cheesecake for my son and daughter. Katie had a piece that evening. 
The next day her older brother found her watching TV and eating more  
cheesecake. “Are you eating my cheesecake?” he demanded. 
“Oh, no,” she replied sweetly, “I ate yours yesterday.” 
My friend read her son’s horoscope and thought it quite appropriate.  
“You’ve spent the last few weeks looking for escape,” it said.  
“But now it’s time to get on with your life.” 
She had just given birth to him that morning. 
My husband met me at the doctor’s office for my routine checkup, and from  
there we decided to go out to eat. Since we had driven in separate cars,  
I arrived at the restaurant first. 
“One for dinner?” asked the hostess. 
“No,” I replied. “There will be two of us in just a minute.” 
When I saw the panicky look on the hostess’s face, I realized I had  
forgotten about my appearance.  
Anybody could see that I was at least 8 1/2 months pregnant. 

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