Newsletter and jokes 4 September 2020

Hi all 
Thanks to all who sent messages welcoming me back. Much appreciated. 
Also thanks for the jokes. The whole issue of humour has become a minefield  
in recent times, since what was OK before is now likely to land you in  
court because someone somewhere (allegedly) suffered unquantifiable  
"emotional distress" as a result of words which were not even directed at  
So are "dumb blonde" jokes still allowed? Jokes about Paddy or Van der  
Merwe? Anything that starts with "A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar..."? 
I don't know, and I don't need to find out with a visit from the police. 
In the past I got the jokes from an email list, then UseNet, then an 
Australian site. All needed me reading and rejecting a lot of material,  
either because it had no humour in it or because it was not family-friendly. 
In recent times I was borrowing from a well-known magazine, but recent  
issues have been "image" PDFs rather than epubs so copy-paste does not  
work. Hence lack of jokes last week. 
Anyway, what's happening at the cinemas? They're still running in "reduced" 
mode, audiences are still small. So there is only one new release this week. 
On the plus side, we've got the CineCentre times for the three venues that  
are open. 
This week's release is The New Mutants, which adds a dash of horror to the  
Marvel Cinematic Universe. It's showing in 2D only. 
Next week, Mulan arrives....  
Cheers, Ian 
New this week 
* The New Mutants (16 LVH)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper ...)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Thanks, Ian 
Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked  
down at home! 
I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster this  
morning, while drinking my coffee, and we all agreed that things are  
getting bad. 
I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a  
different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge,  
'cause he’s been acting cold and distant! 
In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all  
that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out! 
The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up! But  
the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over  
The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its  
opinion, but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob  
told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me:  
they told me to “pull myself together!” 
(a re-run)  
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't  
prepared for the answer. 
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first  
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and  
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'  
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since  
you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You  
lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them  
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains 
to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper  
pusher. Yes, I know you.' 
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the  
room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' 
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a  
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't  
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the  
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three  
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' 
The defence attorney nearly died. 
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet  
voice, said, 
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to  
the electric chair. 
I hated my parents. I hated them with all the bile that could be generated  
by a seven-year-old. I convinced my little brother to hate them too.  
To exact revenge, we would run away. We ate breakfast, made peanut butter  
sandwiches, and took cookies, summer sausage, and thermoses of juice.  
We went first to the creek and watched the minnows swim for our lunch  
crumbs. Then we went to the dairy farm, helped the farmer pen his calves,  
stall and milk his cows, feed his cows.  
We sat in the shade under the dilapidated buckboard, examined our empty  
thermos, and decided that we were cruel. We went home expecting police cars  
and tears. Our parents were still in bed. 
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended  
purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted  
spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is  
prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.  
The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in  
its original packaging at a rummage sale. It’s a pooper-scooper. 
When a man placed a package of cookies on my supermarket checkout counter,  
one end opened and the cookies tumbled out. “That was the last package!”  
he said.  
“It’s all right. We can give you a store credit,” I assured him.  
“No, I’ll take these,” he said, picking up the stray treats.  
“I promised my donkey cookies, and I can’t go home without them.” 
My granddaughter loves my puppy so much, she asked,  
“When you die, can I have Romeo?” 
“Of course,” I said.  
She was thrilled. “Oh, I can’t wait!” 
Dogs have no money.  
Isn’t that amazing?  
They’re broke their entire lives.  
But they get by.  
You know why dogs have no money?  
No pockets. 

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