Newsletter and jokes 6 November 2020

Hi all 
While we wait for the next episode of Chatting With Cyril, it may be wise 
to take advantage of the cinemas while we can, even though it's exam season. 
We have a full line-up this week, kicking off with a new animated film from 
Europe rather than Hollywood, for the kiddies, called Dreambuilders. 
Staying at the family end, Roald Dahl's book The Witches is now on wide 
release, as is a film based on the famous and somewhat controversial 
best-seller from a few years ago, The Secret. 
A new local release only showing here in Cape Town is a cautionary tale 
about choosing friends carefully, titled Meisie vani Lavis. 
The Liam Neeson action thriller Honest Thief is rolling out on the IMAX  
screens ahead of its official release next week, but the 2D version is also  
showing this weekend at some venues. 
On the art circuit, there is a doccie about the flamboyant artist Salvador 
Dali, while Bollywood is doing an anniversary release of their longest- 
running film ever, if you're in the mood for a classic Indian rom-com. 
And finally, there are previews most places on Saturday for the upcoming  
Afrikaans film, Toorbos. See the previews page and remember to book. 
Enjoy! :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
New this week 
* Dreambuilders (PG V) 
* The Witches (PG7-9 VH) 
* The Secret: Dare to Dream (PG L) 
* Honest Thief (IMAX) (13 LV) 
* Salvador Dalí: In Search of Immortality 
* Meisie vani Lavis (13) 
* Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (Hindi)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (phone wallpaper ...)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Thanks, Ian 
“How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 
One, but it takes a long, long time, and the bulb must want to change.” 
I opened the door on Halloween to find a superhero in our midst.  
Admiring his colorful outfit and mask, I asked, “Are you Spider-Man?” 
Clearly concerned I’d lost it, he answered, “I’m a kid. This is a costume.” 
A cousin recently lamented to my wife, “It may take a village to raise a  
child, but I swear it will take a vineyard to homeschool one.” 
Since it was my first time in a Las Vegas casino, I asked an employee to  
walk me through how the slot machines worked. He showed me how to insert a  
bill, hit the spin button, and operate and release the handle. 
“And where does the money come out?” I asked. 
He pointed to a far wall. “From that ATM, most of the time.”  
I signed up for a Zoom workout class that was too advanced.  
So when the instructor said, “Do a plank and bring your knee to the  
opposite elbow,” I did a modified version where I turned off my computer  
and made pancakes. 
I was shopping with my sister when she bought a “belated birthday” card.  
After a pause, she grabbed four more.  
Seeing my confused look, she explained, “I like to think ahead.” 
Wearing daytime pajamas and then changing into nighttime pajamas  
sets a  good example for your children. 
The brain is an amazing organ. It starts working in a mother’s womb and  
doesn’t stop working till you get elected to Congress. 
Someone tried to return a defective item without a receipt.  
After explaining that I could not find where she had paid for the item, she 
yelled back, “It’s not my fault you people didn’t catch me!” 
It’s a problem that the machine I use to do my work also has a function  
where you can shop for a new duvet cover for three hours. 
My dad, a pastor, was attending a national Nazarene convention when a woman  
pointed to an empty seat and asked, “Is this seat saved?”  
Dad replied, “No, but we’re praying for it.” 
At times, student evaluations meant to put professors on the firing line  
reveal more about the pupils who wrote them: 
    “There was too much math expected of us.”  
    Course title: Math for Special Education Teachers. 
    For a European History to 1500 course, a student was upset that I  
    didn’t include more about China during World War II. 
    “Too many women writers.”  
    Course title: American Women Writers. 
    The student eval that I remember to this day: 
    “He knows more than I do and that makes me feel bad.” 
    “She should wear more green.”  
    “Professor wanted to be here less than we did.” 
Officers don’t like to lose.  
Exhibit A: One naval officer’s write-up in the base newspaper of our unit’s  
lunchtime softball game:  
“In a spirited end-of-season finale, the Khaki Special (officers/chiefs) 
team fought hard but finished the season in second place. Meanwhile,  
the enlisted personnel (the Blues) won their last game but finished next to 
last in the standings.” 
What he failed to mention about the season ... the two teams played only 
one game, against each other. 
During basic training at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I was sent to the firing  
range to qualify as a marksman. After taking a few shots, I asked my  
sergeant how I’d done.  
“Son,” he told me, “you better learn to use a bayonet real good.” 
While in paratrooper training school, I asked the instructor,  
“What happens if the parachute doesn’t open?” 
“It’s guaranteed,” he reassured me.  
“If it doesn’t open, just bring it back.” 
You cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste. 
Believe me. I’ve tried. 

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