Newsletter and jokes 24 December 2020

Hi all 
And so Christmas finally arrives, right after we hit a new high for new  
Covid infections ... hardly a festive time. 
At the movies this week we have a mixed bag, but truth be told, a rather  
low-key line-up. 
First up for the kiddies is an European animated film, The Elfkins, also 
known as The Elfkins: Baking a Difference in some markets. 
For older audiences, we have Love, Weddings & Other Disasters, which  
unfortunately seems to be a bit of a disaster itself, despite the big  
names involved. Despite the 13 age restriction, it is aimed at a much  
older audience. 
The last two offerings are for the adults, firstly the tense drama The  
Nest, and secondly a new local action comedy The Golden Cock: Revenge of  
Manu, which seems to borrow some ideas from The Karate Kid. 
On the positive side, there are previews all over all day on Saturday for  
the upcoming new Disney/Pixar release Soul. It's from Pete Docter, who was 
behind the brilliant Inside Out, and the ratings are excellent. Not to be 
Enjoy! :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
New this week 
* The Elfkins (PG V) 
* Love, Weddings & Other Disasters (13 LSVD) 
* The Nest (16 LNSVD) 
* The Golden Cock: Revenge of Manu (16 LVD)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (Full HD wallpaper ...)  
Pick of the Week (not this week)   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Thanks, Ian 
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school  
for lunch.  
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, 
"Take only one. God is watching." 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a  
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.  
God is watching the apples." 
Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?" 
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white." 
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfather's hairs are white." 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a  
human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is  
very small.  
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.  
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was  
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." 
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!" 
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. 
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief  
occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. 
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in  
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. 
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. 
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see  
the preacher in the afternoon. 
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy  
down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" 
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there  
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. 
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,  
"Where is God?!" 
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. 
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s  
face and bellowed, “Where is God?!" 
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into  
his closet, slamming the door behind him. 
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?" 
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble  
this time!" 
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!" 
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.  
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop  
them off tomorrow. 
Teacher asks children, what do you wish to do in future?  
Jimmy: I want to be a pilot.  
Willy: I want to be a doctor.  
Mary: I want to be a good mother. 
Little Johnny: I want to help Mary. 
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his  
mother in a doctor’s surgery. 
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks. 
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies. 
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes. 
“Yes, it is.” – she says. 
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look. 
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies. 
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?” 
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.  
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with  
She says "I want you to see this."  
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. 
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.  
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear,  
"what do you have to say about this experiment?" 
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" 
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you? 
Kids: Meat! 
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? 
Kids: Bacon! 
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? 
Kid: Homework!     

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