Newsletter and jokes 22 January 2021

Hi all 
There are officially two new releases.  
First up is the actioner The Marksman with Liam Neeson, and on limited 
release, the arthouse film On My Shoulders, which is an Italian drama 
set over a period spanning both world wars. 
The other news of note is that the release date for the next James Bond  
movie, No Time to Die, has been pushed back to October. 
New this week: 
* The Marksman (13 V IAT) 
* On My Shoulders (13 DV)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (Full HD wallpaper ...)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
The optimist sees the glass half full.  
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.  
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and  
half in the vapor state. 
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?  
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium. 
Helium walks into a bar.  
The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."  
Helium doesn't react. 
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?  
A: Na 
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly  
the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.  
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"  
"11" he replied.  
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."  
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"  
"Today and tomorrow."  
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had  
never thought of himself.  
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"  
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a  
minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."  
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"  
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to  
hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.  
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder  
The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. 
She called on him and said, "Johnny!  
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" 
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!" 
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers. 
"Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me." 
"Can you tell me what comes after three?" 
"Four," answers little Johnny. 
"What comes after six?" 
"Seven," answers little Johnny. 
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job. 
What comes after ten?" 
"A jack," answers little Johnny. 
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. 
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. 
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. 
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the  
line so we can trace your call. 
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the  
mother ship. 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you  
which number to press. 
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no  
one will answer. 
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. 
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a  
representative comes on the line. 
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone  number,  
date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. 
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully  press 000. 
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or  
before the beep.  Or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep. 
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.  All our operators are too  
busy to talk to you. 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory  
loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have  
short-term memory loss, press 9... 
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his  
secretary for some mathematical help. 
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"  
he asked her. 
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings." 
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.  
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"  
"274," was his reply.  
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times  
"Tuesday," replies the second man.  
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times  
"Nine," says the third man.  
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"  
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday." 
I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that  
decimals had a point. 
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. 
The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"  
The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4.0" 
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.  
With little thought he replied, "4" 
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.  
The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician,  
"What do you want it to be?" 

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