Newsletter and jokes 9 April 2021

Hi all 
Only two new releases this week, both revolving around fighting. 
First up is the video game franchise Mortal Kombat, which has not been  
released stateside yet, so no reviews. It's also on at the IMAXes. 
On more limited release, we have the Japanese anime Demon Slayer the Movie: 
Mugen Train, which did extremely well during lock-down in Japan last year. 
New this week: 
* Demon Slayer the Movie: Mugen Train (13V) 
* Mortal Kombat (16 LVP) 
* Mortal Kombat (IMAX) (16 LVP)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (Full HD wallpaper ...)  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was  
eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen  
wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him  
standing right there.  
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how well a mechanic  
tried to fix it, it never would be the same.  
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.  
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.  
"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.  
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your  
possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did 
you?" the cop said.  
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" 
English Class Teacher:  
"One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?" 
Student: "Future impossible tense." 
"Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?" 
"Five bucks, sir." 
"And how much for my suitcase?" 
"No charge for the suitcase, sir." 
"Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk." 
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.  
'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Johnny.  
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'  
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.  
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.  
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!' 
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when  
Satan appeared before her.  
The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you..." 
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients  
will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make  
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s  
soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and  
the souls of all your friends and law partners." 
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks:  
"Okay, so what’s the catch?" 
Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a  
gift for his wife for Women's Day. 
Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never  
bought any lingerie in her life.  
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and  
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most  
expensive, sheerest negligee she has.  
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.  
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and  
unwrap it.  
He'll wait in the kitchen.  
His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.  
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never  
had before.  
She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.  
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin  
and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.  
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark  
She calls out: "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look." 
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims:  
"All that money and they didn't even iron it?!" 
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between  
right and wrong. 
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to  
get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would  
I be?" 
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,  
"You'd be his wife!" 
A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the  
"Everything ok with your car now?" 
"Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies. 
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" 
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was  
blinker fluid!" 
Q: What is the definition of "accountant"?  
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't  

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