Newsletter and jokes 28 May 2021

Hi all 
We kick off a fortnight of horror today, and I don't mean the looming  
First up, some gentle scariness for the little ones in Cruella, which is 
the back story to Cruella de Vil from the 101 Dalmations story. 
That's joined by the highly-rated adult horror sequel, A Quiet Place Part II, 
which is also on the big IMAX and 4DX sceens for the full experience. 
No previews this week. It's also exam season, so good luck ... :-) 
New this week: 
* Cruella (PG7-9 VD) 
* A Quiet Place Part II (16 VH) 
* A Quiet Place Part II (4DX) (16 VH) 
* A Quiet Place Part II (IMAX) (16 VH)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (Cellphone wallpaper ...)  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Every year for my birthday, my husband buys me a particular perfume that  
has a delicate floral scent that I especially love. 
This past year, with money tight, I told him not to bother getting me a  
gift. Instead, I asked that he hand-write a beautiful letter encapsulating  
our 25 years together. 
My husband leaned in, gently took my hand, and begged,  
“Can I please just buy you a bottle of perfume?” 
Spotted on the back of an Amish horse-drawn carriage in Pennsylvania, this  
handwritten sign:  
“Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.” 
While doing volunteer work, I began to sing a favorite song of mine to pass  
the time. Another volunteer perked his ears. 
“Who sings that?” he asked.  
“The Traveling Wilburys,” I replied.  
He nodded. “Well, let's keep it that way." 
My husband rolled over and open-mouth snored directly into my eyes last  
night, if you’re wondering how we keep the magic alive. 
My wife is napping, and I have to sneeze. 
This is not going to end well for me. 
Sleeping under separate blankets should have been the marriage advice  
everybody gave me a year and a half ago 
It’s funny that my wife thinks I have a “side” of the bed.  
I think she means my “sliver” of bed that I've been alloted. 
As she finished her dinner, my stuffed granddaughter turned to her mother  
and declared,  
“Mom, you make hamburgers so good, you could work at McDonald’s!” 
A client was on trial, accused of assault with a deadly weapon  - a charge  
he vehemently denied. The state’s star witness, at the end of her lengthy  
testimony, made the very damning statement,  
“And that’s when he started shooting at me with a .45.” 
For my client, that was his gotcha moment. Abruptly leaping from his chair,  
he pointed at his accuser and shouted, “That’s a lie! It was a .38!” 
This Twitter alert from the sheriff’s office in San Miguel, Colorado, 
leaves no stone unturned:  
“A large boulder the size of a large boulder is blocking the southbound lane 
of Highway 145. Expect delays.” 
My stepfather doesn’t like it when I call him my fake dad.  
He prefers faux pa.  
A teacher giving a lesson on the circulation of blood says to her class,  
“Now, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and  
I would turn red in the face.” 
“Yes,” the whole class agrees. 
“Then why is it,” she continues, “that while I am standing upright, the  
blood doesn’t run into my feet?” 
One little fellow shouts, “ ’Cause your feet ain’t empty!” 
Reading a letter at the breakfast table, a wife suddenly looks at her 
husband suspiciously. 
“Henry,” she says, “I just received this letter from my mother saying she  
isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay with us, as we don’t appear  
to want her. What does she mean?  
I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. 
You did write to tell her this, didn’t you?” 
“Yes,” says the husband. “But I couldn’t spell 'convenience', so I made it  
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. 
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?” 
René Descartes walks into a bar.  
“You want a beer?” the bartender asks. 
“I think not,” says Descartes, and then he disappears. 
I just found out that I’m colour-blind.  
This came right out of the purple. 

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