Newsletter and jokes 10 December 2021

Hi all 
It's a short week this week, with the public holiday next Thursday, and 
Spider-Man hitting the screens.  
And the week after that, Neo and Trinity are back with The Matrix. Speaking 
of which, there are three inter-connected films which provide some  
background context to what is happening in the world in recent times ... it 
is no longer about health care, but control. 
The three films are 1984, The Matrix, and V For Vendetta, and if you are 
not familiar with them, please make a plan :-) 
John Hurt played good guy Winston Smith in 1984, and the Evil Dictator in V. 
Hugo Weaving played evil Agent Smith in The Matrix, and good guy V in V. 
The Wachowski siblings made both The Matrix and V. 
As for this week, we have two well-rated fims opening, starting with Steven  
Spielberg's remake of the classic West Side Story. For some reason, it 
got saddled with a 16 age restriction here, while the USA gave it PG13 and 
the UK 12A. Press reviews have been excellent. 
Also well rated, and aimed at a totally different market, is the Japanese 
anime Sword Art Online: Progressive - Aria of a Starless Night, which is  
also on the big IMAX screens. 
For the kiddies, we have Clifford the Big Red Dog, based on the popular  
Lastly, Bollywood rolls out the action romance Chandigarh Kare Aashiqu. 
Enjoy :-) 
New this week: 
* Clifford the Big Red Dog (PG V) 
* Sword Art Online: Progressive - Aria of a Starless Night (PG7-9 L) 
* Sword Art Online: Progressive - Aria of a Starless Night (IMAX) (PG7-9 L) 
* West Side Story (16 LVP SV)  
* Chandigarh Kare Aashiqui (Hindi)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper ...)  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
On New Year’s Eve, my husband and I were seeing the old year out with  
another couple. Jessica was a good friend but a bad gossip, and that 
night was no different, except that she kept glancing at her watch. 
The later it got, the faster she talked. 
Finally, at three minutes before midnight, she blurted, “I’ll have 
to tell you this quickly, because my New Year’s resolution is to stop 
talking about people.” 
Love it on Christmas day when a label on a present says “From Mom and Dad,”  
and you just know that Dad has absolutely no idea what’s inside. 
One of my boys had a habit of never accepting blame for anything.  
I mean anything. 
Once, when he was a toddler, he had an accident in his pants. 
He pointed to his brother and shouted, “Mark did it!” 
A classmate was examining my driver’s license. She seemed surprised when she 
noticed that it indicated that I was an organ donor.  
So much so that she asked, “Which organ did you donate?” 
{On the phone with my mom}  
Me: What’s your secret to 55 years of marriage? 
Mom: We never hated each other on the same day. 
Before cell phones, I was in Manhattan to visit my brother. 
Stopping at a pay phone to call him, I reached into my wallet for a scrap of 
paper with his number on it. 
When I got to his place, he greeted me with “So, you lost your wallet.”  
A woman had just called him, saying she had found the wallet with his phone 
number inside. She was sitting in a bar and gave him the address. 
I hurried over and found my hero. “May I buy you a drink?” I asked. 
“Oh, that’s sweet, dear,” she said, handing me my wallet. 
“But you don’t have enough money.” 
During ROTC, I reported to Fort Bragg in North Carolina for the summer 
training program. 
Trainees were handed piles of paperwork and ordered to fill in the blanks,  
beginning with our first and last names. Before I could start, I needed to  
clarify something with the sergeant in charge. 
“My first name is John,” I explained, “but I prefer to be called by my  
middle name, Fred.” 
He replied, “We’ll keep that in mind ... John.” 
That summer I learned to do everything the Army way. 
The technician taking my blood at the military medical clinic was very  
chipper, explaining, “I leave the service in two months!” 
As he applied the tourniquet around my arm, he assured me that the procedure 
wouldn’t hurt much and then asked what my husband did in the service. 
“He’s a recruiter,” I said. 
“Hmm,” he said wryly. “This might hurt a little more than I thought.” 
The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast 10: Your Seatbelts. 
The first rule of Don’t Fight Club is let’s talk about it. 
The mayor of Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2.  
It is so important to vote in your local elections.  
A Pennsylvania prosecutor was demoted earlier this year for moonlighting  
for a food delivery service when he should have been in the office.  
The Week asked its readers to title a TV show based on this scenario. 
You may soon watch: 
✦✦ Law and Order In 
✦✦ A Few Good Menus 
✦✦ Food Court 
✦✦ 12 Hungry Men 
✦✦ Crime & Nourishment 
✦✦ The Meals of Justice 
✦✦ CSI: KFC 
✦✦ The French Fry Connection 
I showed my third­-grade music class a short film about composer George 
Frideric Handel. 
Afterward, a student asked if that was really Handel or an actor playing  
“Well, Alex,” I said, “Handel lived way back in the 1700s. Does that give  
you a hint?” 
“Ah,” said Alex, realizing his mistake. “It couldn’t have been him. If it  
were really Handel from that long ago, the film would have been in black­ 
There is an order of monks that is sworn to silence. But each year, one  
monk is allowed to say two words.  
The day arrives and a monk stands up and says, “Oatmeal lumpy.” The abbot  
then declares the session over.  
The following year, another monk stands and says, “Oatmeal fine.”  
A year later, it’s a third monk’s turn. “I quit,” he says. 
The abbot is shocked. “Why?” 
The third monk replies, “I can’t stand the constant bickering.” 
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on. 
A generous army general walked into a bar and ordered everyone around. 
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. 
Fran and her friends named their band Duvet. It’s a cover band. 
Dave lost his wife’s audiobook and now he’ll never hear the end of it. 
My New Year’s Risotto: figure out autocorrect. 

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