Newsletter and jokes 17 December 2021

Hi all 
A week to Christmas but I guess it's going to be somewhat subdued. 
Over in the UK, central London is psetty much deserted.. 
Meanwhile, at the movies, Spider-Man has swung into action again for your 
viewing pleasure, also on the big IMAX and 4DX screens. 
Also on circuit is Christmas is Cancelled, which appears to have been  
poorly received overseas, with reviews embargoed here.  
Finally, on the art circuit and similar, the Princess Diana biopic Spencer, 
which has been well-rated by press and public alike. 
The Matrix Resurrections opens next Wednesday. 
Enjoy :-) 
New this week: 
* Spider-Man: No Way Home (3D) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Spider-Man: No Way Home (PG10-12 LV) 
* Spider-Man: No Way Home (3D IMAX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Spider-Man: No Way Home (4DX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Spencer (13 LV) 
* Christmas is Cancelled (16 LD)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper ...)  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
I just contacted the spirit of my dead window cleaner on a squeegee 
In Roman times CXX stood for 120. 
Nowadays it stands for “I love you but my finger slipped and I’m too 
lazy to tap delete three times and type it again.” 
My father used to make seven figures a year, which is what got him fired 
from the toy factory. 
I’m dating a bin lady at the moment. 
But I can never remember if I’m supposed to take her out on a 
Monday or a Wednesday... 
A man just poked me with a fragrant stick — I was incensed! 
I forgot the word for toothpaste earlier and called it “bone shampoo”. 
“You won’t believe how easy it is to buy maggots online” — Click Bait. 
They need to fix it so food has three expiration dates. One that’s 
“Best Before”, then “Still Pretty Good”, then finally, “Are You 
Feeling Lucky?”  
Songs that have police sirens in them need a voice-over when you’re 
driving to say, “This is not real, do not pull over.” 
They need to fix cinema toilets so that they have little screens 
showing the movie in the cubicles. That way, if you need 
to go you don’t miss anything. 
Man at bakery shop: “Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to 
get out. But I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” 
After my 20-year marriage ended in divorce, I went to live with my 
daughter and son-in-law. They encouraged me to start dating 
and, after a few months, I accepted a dinner engagement with an 
attractive man I had met at a party. 
Nervous about my ‘first date’, I told my daughter I would be home 
no later than midnight. When I tiptoed in at 3am, this note was on 
my bedroom door: “Mum, in the future if you’re going to be late, I 
expect you to let us know where you are, who you’re with and a phone 
number where you can be reached. P.S. You’re grounded until further 
I had moved out of town and into my own apartment. Two years later, 
my mother flew to visit me for the first time, and I proudly showed her 
around my place.  
“Charlotte gave me the love seat, Dad gave me the TV, Delores sold me the  
rugs for a song, you gave me the bookcase, and the lamp was a gift from 
Carol,” I said. 
Mum gave me a big hug. 
“I always knew you could make it on your own!” 
A nearsighted friend of mine who hated to wear her glasses 
went to a party without them. She started talking to an attractive 
man in the buffet line and tried her best to appear charming and 
It worked until she put her hand into the ‘popcorn’ bowl and came up with  
mashed potatoes. 
Found in a fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant: “You will meet a 
beautiful woman, you will give her money. She is our cashier.” 
Our barber looked at a young man’s sleek hair and asked if he wanted it  
cut, or just the oil changed. 
If you think politics is easy, try sitting on a fence while keeping 
an ear to the ground.  
Letter to the editor: “I would like to thank the ambulance team for 
their support and care during my recent demise.” 
A reporter asked the centenarian the inevitable question: “To what do 
you attribute your long life?” 
“Not sure yet,” the old-timer replied. “I’m still negotiating with 
a mattress company and two breakfast-food firms.” 
Free Persian-style home accessories in black fur or smart grey 
stripes. Perfect hearth decorations! Male and female models come 
equipped with automatic purr and built-in washing attachment. 
The University Symphony Orchestra will have its first rehearsal 
Wednesday in Crouse Auditorium. Louis Krasner, conductor, will 
be available for consolation from 6.30 on. 
Son looking at kite with father: “What do you mean run with it? 
Doesn’t it have any batteries?”  
Little girl to parents bringing home new baby: “Sure I wanted a 
brother – but I didn’t want him necessarily to live here.”  
Teenager to mother: “Gee whiz, Mum, ‘wanting to make the world a better  
place to live in’ and ‘cleaning up one’s room’ are two different things.” 

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