Newsletter and jokes 28 August 2015

Hi all 
Leon Schuster is back with what could be his final film. It's an odd time 
of year for him to release, but I guess the distributors know what they are 
doing. He hasn't got much in the way of competition this week, with the  
rest of the lineup being small releases. 
There are no previews this week. 
M O V I E S 
28 August 2015 
* Phantom (Hindi) 	 
* A Second Chance (16 LVD) 
* Impunity (16 LNSV) 	 
* Mr. Holmes (PG7-9) 	 
* Everything Will Be Fine (PG10-12 D) 
* Everything Will Be Fine (3D)(PG10-12 D) 
* Jenny's Wedding (PG10-12) 	 
* Schuks! Pay Back the Money! (13 LP) 
* Thani Oruvan (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 4 September  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
According to news reports, a recent study found that women who carry a  
little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 
A priest was called away on an emergency. Not wanting to leave the   
confessional booth unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the   
street and asked him to cover for him. 
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to 
  come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to 
The rabbi came over and he and the priest sat in the confessional booth   
In a few minutes a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for  I have  
The priest asked, "What did you do?". 
The woman said, "I committed adultery." 
Priest: "How many times?" 
Woman: "Three times." 
Priest:  "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." 
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. 
He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." 
Priest: "What did you do?" 
Man: "I committed  adultery." 
Priest: "How many times?" 
Man: "Three times." 
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." 
The rabbi told the priest that he thought that he got it, so the priest 
A few minutes later, another woman entered the confessional booth and said, 
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned." 
Rabbi: "What did you do?" 
Woman: "I committed adultery" 
Rabbi: "How many times?" 
Woman: "Once." 
Rabbi:  "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for 
  "I thought my vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant, but 
all it did was change the colour of the baby." 
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. 
He was in the hospital, agonising in pain. 
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and... 
IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, 
and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realised that he was obviously 
in a life-threatening situation. 
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, 
then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, 
"You may not feel anything from the waist down." 
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your b*obs, then?" 
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax 
and proceed to the checkout counter. 
The man at the counter asks the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 
'Eight,' the boy replies. 
The man continues, 'Do you know what these are used for?' 
'Not exactly,' the boy says. 'But they aren't for me. They're for him. 
He's my brother. He's four. 
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a 
bike.  Right now he can't do either one.' 
Next time you're writing that important document, remember the following 
example of gilding-the-lily. 
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that 
Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse 
stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph 
of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is 
this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana 
Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times, 
caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." 
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. 
Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch: 
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business 
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and 
intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted 
several years of his life to service at a government facility, 
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887 he 
was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned 
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Remus passed away during an important 
civic function held in his honor, when the platform on which he was 
standing collapsed." 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her 
body hurt wherever she touched it. 
"Impossible," said the doctor, "show me." The redhead took her finger, 
pushed her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and 
screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed. Everywhere she 
touched made her scream. 
The doc said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she said, 
"I'm actually a blonde." 
"I thought so," the doctor replied. "Your finger is broken." 

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