Newsletter and jokes 13 November 2015

Hi all 
As exam season (and parliament) stumbles along with all the protests, 
the cinemas provide some welcome distraction. This week's lineup ranges 
all the way from the very good to the rather bad, so take your pick ... :-) 
The final episode of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay opens next week Thursday, 
with previews all over on Wednesday night. 
M O V I E S 
12 November 2015 
* Wolf Totem (3D)(IMAX) (13 V) 
* Prem Ratan Dhan Payo (Hindi) 
13 November 2015 
* Grandma (16 L) 	 
* Learning to Drive (16 LS) 
* Brooklyn (PG10-12 S) 	 
* Blinky Bill the Movie (PG) 
* The Loft (16 LSVD) 	 
* The Program (13 LD) 
* Thoongaa Vanam (Tamil) 
* Vedalam (Tamil) 
* How to Make Love Like an Englishman (13 LNS)  
19 November 2015 
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (13 V) 
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (3D) (13 V) 
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (3D)(IMAX) (13 V)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 19 and 20 November.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
The art of the insult ... 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the 
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." 
"That depends, Sir, "said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or 
your mistress." 
"He had delusions of adequacy." 
-Walter Kerr 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." 
- Winston Churchill 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great 
-Clarence Darrow 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the 
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading 
-Moses Hades 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of 
-Mark Twain 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." 
-Oscar Wilde 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a 
friend, if you have one." 
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill 
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is 
-Winston Churchill, in response 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." 
-Stephen Bishop 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." 
-John Bright 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." 
-Irvin S. Cobb 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." 
-Samuel Johnson 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." 
- Paul Keating 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." 
-Charles, Count Talleyrand 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." 
-Forrest Tucker 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" 
-Mark Twain 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." 
-Mae West 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." 
-Oscar Wilde 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather 
than illumination." 
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912) 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." 
-Billy Wilder 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." 
-Groucho Marx 
An old Irish priest lay dying. He sent a message for an Irish Tax Office 
supervisor and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they 
were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out 
his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest 
grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. 
For a time, no one said anything. Both the Irish Tax Office supervisor and 
the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be 
with him during his final moments, however they were also puzzled because 
the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either 
one of them. 
Finally, the lawyer asked, “Father, why did you ask the two of us to come 
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then whispered weakly, 
“Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.” 
 One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly 
not a ship." 
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the 
possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the 
surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and 
and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous 
blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, 
how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" 
"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman. 
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left 
sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a 
lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 
"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd 
forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish 
Whiskey?" asked the blonde. 
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!" 
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a 
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask 
and took a long drink. 
"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" 
At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front 
of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and 
"And how long has it been since you've played around?" 
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet  
Lord! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!" 
A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying 
required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after 
their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. 
The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed 
his new flight attendant was missing. 
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was 
wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't 
get out of my room!" 
“You can’t get out of your room?”the captain asked, “Why not?” 
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, 
“one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that 
‘Do Not Disturb’!” 
I'm selling my pet Python on eBay. 
A bloke just rang me up and asked if it was big. 
I said, "It's massive." 
He said, "How many feet?" 
I said "None! It's a snake, you moron!!” 
Pasta was not eaten in Australia. 
Curry was a surname. 
A takeaway was a mathematical problem. 
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower. 
All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the 
salt on or not. 
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding. 
Calamari was called squid and we used it for fish bait. 
A big Mac was what we wore when it was raining. 
Brown bread was something only poor people ate 
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking. 
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green. 
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white 
gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh. 
Fish didn't have fingers in those days. 
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi. 
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt. 
Healthy food consisted of anything edible. 
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy. 
Indian restaurants were only found in India. 
Cooking outside was called camping. 
Seaweed was not a recognized food. 
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food. 
Prunes were medicinal. 
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available; it was called cattle feed. 
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and 
charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!! 
Two things that were never, ever on our tables in the fifties: Elbows or 
One day during a game  on the golf course, I accidentally overturned my 
golf cart. 
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa on the 
golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?" 
"I’m fine thanks," I replied.  “My name’s  Jack,” I said and introduced 
"Jack, forget your troubles.  Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help 
you  get the cart up later,” she suggested. 
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,  “but I don't think my wife would 
like it." 
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.  She was very pretty and very 
"Well okay," I finally agreed and added: "but my wife won't like it." 
After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she 
could give me a massage.  Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the 
exhilarating session I had with her. 
"I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset." 
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth replied with a smile, “She won't know a thing. 
Where is she, anyway?" 
"Under the cart!" I said ........... 

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