Newsletter and jokes 15 January 2016

Hi all 
A small lineup this week, of which two are pretty good, including one Oscar 
hopeful. Speaking of Oscar, quite a few of the top nominees are already 
on circuit for your viewing pleasure, with The Revenant arriving next week. 
No previews this week. 
M O V I E S 
15 January 2016 
* Suffragette (13 V) 	 
* Ride Along 2 (13 V) 
* The Big Short (13 L) 	 
* Point Break (4DX)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 22 January.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (a threesome for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an 
expensive nursing home, which would allow me to die with dignity. 
Therefore, I have moved to Central America, 
where the dollar still goes a long way and I can spend what little money 
I still have left during my final years enjoying life and dying with 
Oh, and Dignity says to say "Hello!" 
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find 
out that she's pregnant. 
She is furious... Here she is -- in the middle of her election 
campaign --now this has happened to her! 
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts 
screaming: "You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all 
that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I 
can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's 
all your fault!..... .Well, what have you got to say?" 
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. 
She screams again, "Did you hear me?" 
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely 
audible whisper: "Who's calling?". 
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that 
when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that 
he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, 
"I forgot my teeth." 
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled 
out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. 
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. 
The man then said, "I have another pair - try these." 
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." 
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more 
pair. Try them." 
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal 
and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went 
over to thank the man who had helped him. 
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? 
I've been looking for a good dentist." 
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker." 
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead 
of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather 
jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are 
you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of 
The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from 
Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot, 
'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot 
goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. 
Next, it's the priest's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, 'I 
am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.' 
Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the priest, 'Take this 
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. 
'Just a minute,' says the good father.  'That man was a pilot and 
he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How 
can this be? 
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.  'When you 
preached - people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.' 
A man asked an American Indian what was his 
wife's name. 
He replied, "She is called Five Horses". 
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your 
What does it mean?" 
The Old Indian answered, 
"It old Indian Name. It mean............. 

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