Newsletter and jokes 22 January 2016

Hi all 
Well The Revenant and its huge collection of awards and nominations is on  
circuit for your viewing pleasure. If that's a bit heavy for you, also up  
is the crowd-pleasing comedy Daddy's Home, as well as a new animated film 
for the kiddies, and two Bollywoods. 
There are previews at selected venues for Dirty Grandpa next Thursday, see 
the Previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
22 January 2016 
* Daddy's Home (PG7-9 L) 	 
* The Revenant (16 V) 
* The Revenant (IMAX) (16 V) 
* Norm of the North (PG) 	 
* Airlift 	 
* Kyaa Kool Hain Hum 3  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 29 January.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, 
interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a 
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal 
door and handed him a gun. 
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the 
circ*mstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. 
Kill her." 
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". 
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your 
wife and go home". 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went 
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with 
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." 
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go 
home " 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to 
kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were 
heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the 
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there 
stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. 
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the 
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the 
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you 
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' 
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride 
over anytime I want.' 
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous 
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the 
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do 
it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a 
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' 
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish 
that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels 
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she 
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and 
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. 
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" 
Kids in church ... 
3-year-old Reese : 
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, 
Harold is His name. 
A little boy was overheard praying: 
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. 
I'm having a real good time like I am.' 
After the christening of his baby brother in church, 
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. 
His father asked him three times what was wrong. 
Finally, the boy replied, 
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, 
and I wanted to stay with you guys.' 
One particular four-year-old prayed, 
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our 
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to 
church service, 
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' 
One bright little girl replied, 
'Because people are sleeping.' 
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. 
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. 
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' 
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 
'Ryan , you be Jesus !' 
Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: 
Reporter:  Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? 
Hattie : For better digestion, I drink beer. 
In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. 
For low blood pressure I drink red  wine. 
In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch. 
And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps. 
Reporter :  When do you drink water? 
Hattie :   I've never been that sick. 
I think this may be a rerun, but anyway .... 
How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it. 
Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer! 
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy. 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . 
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. 
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. 
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he 
can stop any time. 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it 
dawned on me. 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, 
but I'd never met herbivore. 
When chemists die, they barium. 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it 
I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on 
Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations. 
I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me. 
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job 
because she couldn't control her pupils? 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 
Broken pencils are pointless. 
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been 
stolen.  The police have nothing to go on. 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 
Velcro - what a rip off! 
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last. 

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