Newsletter and jokes 19 February 2016

Hi all 
Apologies this is so late, had family from overseas here, and then when I  
wanted to compile this, my router decided to die ... so that meant a trip 
to the mall, big evaluation, and then the usual fun and games to get it up 
and running... 
Anyway, on to the movies ... the big release this week is one that plays to 
the gallery rather than the critics, but even so, it did not do spectacularly 
Apart from that one, the other new releases are more upmarket, although 
I'm not sure where the new local rom-com fits in. 
No previews this week. 
M O V I E S 
19 February 2016 
* Neerja (Hindi) 
* Loveshhuda (Hindi) 
* Trumbo (13 LD) 	 
* Fifty Shades of Black (18 LNSP) 
* Hail, Caesar! (10) 	 
* 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi (16 LV) 
* Happiness is a Four-Letter Word (PG10-12)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 26 February.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Since Fifty Shades of Black is opening today, it is appropriate to take the 
mickey from 50 Shades of Grey .... 
We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's 
Shed. One of our senior members came up with an interesting suggestion. 
He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of 
Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in  
handy when re-painting the house. 
The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes 
relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our 
At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes 
recounted the literary impact of the novel. 
Here are their experiences: 
Bill Carruthers, 74 
We tried various positions  - round the back, on the side, up against a 
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the 
only place for a good shed. 
Nick Enwright, 86 
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. 
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you 
want with me." 
So I took her to Builders Warehouse. 
Ted Roberts, 79 
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then 
harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other 
Tom Entwhistle, 73 
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains 
and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. 
Jack Farthing, 78 
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. 
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. 
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in 
the shed roof." 
John Hardcastle, 72 
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be 
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. 
Colin Horrocks, 65 
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" 
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?" 
Malcolm Riddock, 75 
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my 
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. 
Allen Cardly, 74 
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing 
"I think so," I gulped. 
"Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt. 
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56 
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. 
"Very well," I replied. "You've got a fat butt and no dress sense." 
Nicholas Benchley, 53 
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't 
be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. 
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay. 
Toby Williams, 60 
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" 
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. 
Travel plans ... 
My inconclusive travel plans 2016 
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. 
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. 
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. 
I have, however , been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be 
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family 
and work. 
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too 
much on physical  activity anymore. 
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to 
visit there too often. 
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. 
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. 
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the 
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the 
stimuli I can get! 
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. 
It's an age thing. 
An old codger became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical 
He put a sign up outside that said:  "Dr Codger's clinic. Get your 
treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." 
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old codger didn't know beans 
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.   
So he went to Dr. Codger's clinic. 
Dr. Young: "Dr. Codger, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please 
help me ??" 
Dr. Codger: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in 
Dr. Young's mouth." 
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is petrol!" 
Dr. Codger: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to 
recover his money. 
Dr. Young:  "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 
Dr. Codger: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in 
the patient's mouth." 
Dr. Young:  "Oh, no you don't,  -- that is petrol! 
Dr. Codger: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.   That will be 
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after 
several more days. 
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!! 
Dr. Codger: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your 
$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill 
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10! 
Dr. Codger:  "Congratulations!    You got your vision back!  ; That will be 
Moral of story  -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can 
outsmart an "old Codger". 
Knocking the blondes again .... 
Blonde: "What does IDK mean?" 
Brunette: "I don't know." 
Blonde: "OMG, *nobody* does!" 
Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets? 
So they don't wake up the sleeping pills. 
Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six 
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years." 
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 
"I wonder if it's mine." 
Why do blondes stare at orange juice containers for hours on end? 
Because they say "concentrate." 
Why did the blonde put her iPhone in the blender? 
She was trying to make apple juice. 
Three blondes walk into a building. 
You'd think at least one of them would've seen it. 
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? 
She was desperately trying to make up her mind. 
Why couldn't the blonde dial 911? 
She couldn't find the eleven. 
Riddles for kids: 
*Q*: What is the best part of a Boxer's joke? 
*A*: The PUNCH line. 
*Q*: What kind of house weighs the least? 
*A*: A LIGHT house. 
*Q*: Why is a river rich? 
*A*: It has two banks. 
*Q*: What is faster - heat or cold? 
*A*: Heat - you can catch cold. 
*Q*: What word in the dictionary is always spelled wrong? 
*Q*: What question can you never truthfully answer 'Yes'? 
*A*: Are you asleep? 
*Q*: Which is the quietest sport? 
*A*: Bowling - you can hear a pin drop. 
*Q*: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in an hour? 
*A*: the letter M. 
*Q*: What goes around the world but stays in a corner? 
*A*: A postage stamp 
*Q*: What kind of room has no door or windows? 
*A*: a mushroom. 
*Q*: What word starts with an 'E' and has only one letter in it? 
*A*: an Envelope 

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