Newsletter and jokes 20 May 2016

Hi all 
The big release (in all formats) this week is X-Men: Apocalypse, with some 
smaller releases aimed at niche markets. 
Over in the US, they're expecting Captain America: Civil War to be the first 
film of the year to hit 1B$ globally, and Zootopia/Zootropolis might 
follow it in a few weeks ... it's still on the US top ten after 11 weeks, 
which is something unusual these days. It has however fallen off both the 
SA and UK top ten lists. 
Lastly, there are previews next Thursday for Alice Through the Looking Glass 
at selected NuMetro venues, and a handful for upcoming local romcom Mrs  
Right Guy at selected Ster-Kinekor venues next Wednesday... see the Previews 
page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
Released 20 May 2016 
* X-Men: Apocalypse (13 V) 
* X-Men: Apocalypse (3D) (13 V) 
* X-Men: Apocalypse (3D)(IMAX) (13 V) 
* X-Men: Apocalypse (4DX) (13 V) 
* Before I Wake (13 H) 
* Sing Street (13 LD) 
* The Man Who Knew Infinity (10) 
* Sarbjit (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 27 May.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he 
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. 
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled 
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive 
us our trespasses." 
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this 
note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket 
I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." 
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his 
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have 
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's 
still out there in your pockets." 
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of 
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the 
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for 
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the 
regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last 
The substitute wanted to know what to play. 
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to 
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the 
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we 
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected 
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please 
stand up." 
At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem. 
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! 
Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to 
the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher." 
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just R100 
One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing 
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a 
big hole in the seat of your trousers." 
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of 
trousers for that suit." 
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I 
used them to patch the hole." 
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A 
neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked 
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second 
horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other 
horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again. 
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which 
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. 
Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart. 
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When 
she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 
2 inches taller than the black one. 

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