Newsletter and jokes 11 November 2016

Hi all 
We've got a highly-rated sci-fi movie for your enjoyment this week. The big 
release is an animated film for the kiddies, about, well.... baby deliveries... 
The Indian subcontinent is supplying three releases. The other two releases 
are both smaller and aimed at niche markets. 
Lastly, the second film in the Bolshoi Ballet season, The Golden Age,  is now on 
at the Nouveaus. 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 11 November 2016 
* Arrival (PG10-12) 
* Storks (PG V) 
* Storks (3D ) (PG V) 
* Desierto (16 LVP) 
* Shut In (16 HV) 
* Rock On 2 (Hindi) 
* Chaar Sahibzaade (Hindi) 
* Meen Kuzhambum Mann Paanaiyum (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 18 November.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
After retiring from the army, a former Infantry Sergeant took a job as a 
high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his 
back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of 
his body. Fortunately, the cast fitted snugly under his shirt and wasn't 
noticeable when he wore his suit jacket. 
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest 
students in the school. The smart-ar*e punks, having already heard the new 
teacher was a former soldier, were wary of him and he knew they would be 
testing his discipline in the classroom. 
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the 
window wide and sat down at his desk. A strong breeze through the window 
made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. 
Dead Silence. 
The rest of the year went smoothly. 
NEWSFLASH.... Two Black men have been shot in Birmingham, Police report the 
weapon used was a Starting Pistol......... They say it could be Race related! 
a.. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip 
club at least once. 
b.. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each 
c.. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing 
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year. 
d.. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the 
armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying 
beside her. 
e.. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or 
give him 48 hours to finish the job. 
f.. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. 
g.. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk 
you down. 
h.. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - 
no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any 
other part of the building undetected. 
i.. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure 
they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite. 
j.. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 
k.. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red 
readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. 
l.. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, 
even if you haven't been carrying any before now. 
m.. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make 
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 
n.. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not 
be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do. 
o.. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer 
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his 
forthcoming art exhibition. 
p.. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but 
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 
q.. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a 
bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the 
exact fare. 
r.. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, 
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. 
s.. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange 
noises in their most revealing underwear. 
t.. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every 
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. 
u.. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 
v.. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 
w.. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK 
x.. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 
y.. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 
z.. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone 
aa.. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to 
turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 
ab.. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are 
ac.. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from 
ad.. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving 
martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing 
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their 
ae.. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will 
never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 
af.. No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic 
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. 
ag.. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 
ah.. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 
ai.. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - 
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 
aj.. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you 
personally at the precise moment that it is aired. 

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