Newsletter and jokes 13 January 2017

Hi all 
Some monster movies this week, but quality varies wildly.  
La La Land did rather well at the Golden Globes on Sunday. There are  
sneak previews at select venues next Thursday evening, and more all day 
all over the following Saturday... better book early :-) 
Apart from the two Monster movies, we've got two that look at incidents 
in America's past: one from 2013 and one from way back when in the time 
of slaves. Also up are two Indian movies, one Hindi, one Tamil. 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 13 January 2017 
* A Monster Calls (PG10-12) 
* The Birth of a Nation (16 VP) 
* Patriots Day (16 LV) 
* Monster Trucks (PG7-9 V) 
* Monster Trucks (3D) (PG7-9 V) 
* Bairavaa (Tamil) 
* OK Jaanu (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 20 January  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Singles ads... 
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), 
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. 
Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, 
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. 
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. 
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. 
If you are the silent type, let's get together, 
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share 
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 
I still like to rock, 
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Sat*rday nights and still like to play 
the guitar. 
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, 
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. 
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. 
If you can remember Friday, Sat*rday and Sunday, let's put our two heads 
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, 
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. 
Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to 
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of 
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. 
When you pass  the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the 
scent of fresh  mown hay. 
In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with 
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air 
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon  and eggs frying. 
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & 
I don't buy toilet paper there any more. 
I was watching a documentary on TV last night, about a tribe in the Amazon 
jungle, and was amazed to see that the people of the tribe only ever eat 
small pieces of bent wire. Astonishing that they could survive on such an 
obvious lack of nutrition; then I remembered that it is, after all, their 
staple diet. 
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their 
holiday away from school. 
One child wrote the following: 
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. 
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they 
moved to Arizona: now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green 
to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags 
because they don't know who they are anymore. 
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it 
fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't 
do them very well. 
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats 
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. 
He watches all day so nobody can escape. 
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. 
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. 
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. 
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. 
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot 
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and 
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. 
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. 
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. 
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your 
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' 
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: 
Born 1903--Died 1942. 
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. 
It was. 
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: 
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go. 
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: 
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. 
Only The Good Die Young. 
In a London, England cemetery: 
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann.  
Dec. 8, 1767 
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: 
Anna Wallace 
The children of Israel wanted bread, and the Lord sent them manna.  
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna. 
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: 
Here lies Johnny Yeast... 
Pardon him for not rising. 
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: 
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. 
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. 
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: 
Here lays The Kid. 
We planted him raw. 
He was quick on the trigger 
But slow on the draw. 
A lawyer's epitaph in England: 
Sir John Strange. 
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange. 
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: 
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find 
a Penny. 
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: 
On the 22nd of June,  
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune. 
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: 
Here lies the body of our Anna, 
Done to death by a banana. 
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, 
But the skin of the thing that made her go. 
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: 
Under the sod and under the trees, 
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. 
He is not here, there's only the pod. 
Pease shelled out and went to God. 
In a cemetery in England: 
Remember man, as you walk by, 
As you are now, so once was I 
As I am now, so shall you be. 
Remember this and follow me. 
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: 
To follow you I'll not consent 
Until I know which way you went. 

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