Newsletter and jokes 30 June 2017

Hi all 
School's out and Gru and Dru are back to entertain the kiddies. 
The rest of the lineup is a bit of a mixed bag, which despite the low  
age restrictions for the non-adult pair, are probably aimed at somewhat  
older audiences. These are Hollywood/Bollywood cross-over dance movie  
Heartbeats, high school clique war The Outcasts, and arthouse rom-drama 
Paris Can Wait. 
For the young adults we have a biopic of Tupac, and Bruce Willis back in  
action mode.  
And lastly Bollywood has a mysterious love triangle to solve. 
On the previews side, there are previews all over tomorrow for the upcoming 
Afrikaans film Nul is Nie Niks Nie... see the previews page and remember to 
Released 23 June 2017 
* Despicable Me 3 (PG7-9) 
* Despicable Me 3 (3D) (PG7-9) 
* Heartbeats (PG7-9 L) 
* The Outcasts (PG10-12 V) 
* Paris Can Wait (PG7-9) 
* Once Upon a Time in Venice (16 L) 
* All Eyez On Me (16 LVDP) 
* Ek Haseena Thi Ek Deewana Tha  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 7 July  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A rerun from a long while ago. 
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. 
Couldn't concentrate. 
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, 
so they gave me the axe. 
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly 
because it was a sew-sew job. 
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting. 
5. Then, tried being a Chef figured it would add a little spice to my life, 
but just didn't have the thyme. 
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... 
couldn't cut the mustard. 
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. 
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience. 
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in. 
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my 
net income. 
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but 
the work was just too draining. 
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for 
the job.. 
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got 
a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. 
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was 
the same old grind. 
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer 
approached and asked if he could join him.  The first said that 
he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.    They were even after 
the first two holes.  The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how 
about playing for five bucks a hole?"  The first guy said that he wasn't 
much for betting, but agreed to the terms.  The second guy won the 
remaining sixteen holes with ease. 
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting 
his $80.00.  He confessed that he was the pro at the neighbouring course 
and liked to pick on suckers.   The first fellow revealed that he was the 
Parish Priest  The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the 
The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with 
you.  You keep your winnings."   The pro said, "Is there anything I can do 
to make it up to you?" 
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a 
donation.  And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, and 
I'll marry them." 
My boss phoned me today. 
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?" 
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't 
stopped for a minute." 
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked. 
I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?" 
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th 
I won $500 on a radio competition this morning. The DJ called me and said, 
"We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going 
to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air." 
"Okay" I replied. 
He said, "3... 2... 1... Congratulations to Marc, our competition winner, 
what are you going to spend the money on?" 
I said, "I'm going to spend it on air." 
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with 
their cat. 
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and 
went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and 
ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of 
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!" 
Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before 
he joined my church." 
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with 
just the pilot. 
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: 
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is 
dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" 
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: 
"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through 
it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just 
Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." 
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." 
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. Who art 
in Heaven." 
A couple brought their new-born son to the paediatrician for his first 
check-up, the doctor said, "You have such a cute baby." 
Smiling, the child's mother said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new 
"No," he admitted, "just to those whose babies are really cute." 
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked. 
"He looks just like you.! 

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