Newsletter and jokes 29 September 2017

Hi all 
School's out and spring is sprung, trust those of you having a break enjoy 
it... :-) 
At the movies we've got two big releases, one for the kiddies and one for  
the rest of us. On the art circuit Judi Dench does Queen Victoria again in 
a bit of little-known history. 
South Africa rolls out its first dance movie this week, and the Indian 
subcontinent supplies up with three offerings, in Hindi, Teluga and Tamil. 
On the previews side, there are previews all day Monday for the upcoming 
kiddie movie, My Little Pony: The Movie. See the previews page for venues. 
Released 29 September 2017 
* Kingsman: The Golden Circle (16 LV) 
* Kingsman: The Golden Circle (IMAX) (16 LV) 
* The LEGO Ninjago Movie (PG V) 
* The LEGO Ninjago Movie (3D) (PG V) 
* Victoria and Abdul (PG10-12 LP) 
* Pop, Lock 'n Roll (PG10-12 V) 
* Judwaa 2 (Hindi) 
* Jai Lava Kusa (Teluga) 
* Spyder (Tamil) 
Newsletter and jokes  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 13 October  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A farmer wanted to breed from his old sow, so put her in his wheelbarrow to 
take her around to his neighbour who had a boar. They let them run together 
for a while and then he loaded her up to take her home. "How will I Know if 
it has worked", the farmer said to the neighbour. "When you wake up in the 
morning, look out of the bedroom window, if she's rolling in the grass you 
know it has worked, but if she is wallowing in the mud you know it hasn't." 
So the next morning the farmer jumped out of bed and looked out the window, 
but was disappointed to see the pig wallowing in the mud. So he loaded her 
up in the wheelbarrow again and took her around to his neighbour's and let 
her run with his neighbour's boar for a second time. Next morning he jumped 
out of bed and looked out of the window, but there the pig was wallowing in 
the mud again. 
Disappointed, he thought he would give it one last try. So he loaded the 
pig into the wheelbarrow and took her around to run with the neighbour's 
boar for the third time. In the morning he couldn't bear to look out of the 
window, so asked his wife to look out instead. "Is she wallowing in the mud 
again?" he asked. "No" said the wife. 
"Don't tell me she's rolling in the grass?" he replied. " No" said the 
wife. "Well, what is she doing then?" the farmer asked. His wife replied 
"sitting in the wheelbarrow!" 
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue 
workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb 
as digging continues into the night. 
The religious Jackeroo lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences 
out on the range. 
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. 
The Jackeroo couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of 
the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a 
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." 
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The 
night before the big question, 
he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. 
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio 
and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest 
this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike. 
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know 
that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 
dollars richer. Are you ready?" 
Bob nodded with confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed 
a question all week. 
"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you 
know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the 
question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at 
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but 
he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he 
played it safe. 
"I'll try the second part first." 
The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second 
half first, then the first half." 
The audience silenced with gross anticipation... 
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??" 
The Law of Common Sense 
Never accept a drink from a urologist. 
The Law of Reality 
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 
The Law of Self Sacrifice 
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 
The Law of Avoiding Oversell 
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 
The Law of Motivation 
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 
Boob's Law 
You always find something in the last place you look. 
Wailer's Law 
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 
Law of Probable Dispersal 
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 
Law of Volunteer Labour 
People are always available for work in the past tense. 
Conway's Law 
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. 
That person must be fired. 
Iron Law of Distribution 
Them that has, gets. 
Law of Cybernetic Entomology 
There is always one more bug. 
Law of Drunkenness 
You can't fall off the floor. 
Heeler's Law 
The first myth of management is that it exists. 

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