Newsletter and jokes 10 November 2017

Hi all 
Weather is heating up down here in the Cape ... looks like summer might be 
really hot. At least the cinemas are air-conditioned ;-) 
Post-Halloween/October we roll out TWO horror films, one being the latest 
episode in the ongoing Amityville sage, while the other has had a somewhat 
controversial reception... certainly not everyones' cup of tea. 
Staying on the dark side, we then have two films looking at what happens 
when polite society breaks down, in the form of Tulip Fever and Suburbicon. 
Fans of the current bitcoin craze would do well to familiarise themselves 
with the tulip bubble, and ask themselves what's different with the crypto 
Suburbicon has frustrated many people, given the level of talent and Big 
Names involved... it set the wrong sort of records when it opened last  
week in the States.  
Then we have a Chinese action film, which is actually a sequel but is  
considered strong enough to release here even if we missed out on episode 
Lastly we have more positive fare in the form of a religious-related film, 
and this week's off-beat Bollywood romance. 
On the previews side, there's a single preview for next week's big release, 
Justice League, at Eastgate next Thursday evening. 
Also on circuit we have the BANFF Mountain Film Festival, and the opera  
Norma. Enjoy. :-) 
Released 10 November 2017 
* Amityville: The Awakening (13 LVH) 
* mother! (16 LVH) 
* All Saints (PG) 
* Tulip Fever (16 NS) 
* Suburbicon (16 lSVPD IAT) 
* Wolf Warrior II (18 LV) 
* Qarib Qarib Singlle (Hindi)  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Two ladies, lifelong friends, find themselves single after their failed 
They are excellent supports for one another and enjoy one another's company 
to get over their separations. 
One day, after a long boozy lunch they find themselves back in Betty's home 
and Jane realises that maybe the friendship is going to go in a new 
"Jane", says Betty, "Can I be frank with you?" 
"No, I'll be Frank". 
I just got back from the ATM. 
An old lady was having trouble and asked me if I could check her balance. 
So I pushed her over. 
Your guide to dogs. 
The fact that I am generally covered with dog hair and have a bit odeur de 
kennel about me has caused a lot of people to ask me what kind of dog they 
should get for themselves. So with a little help from my friends I present 
the following list. 
Pugs are very cute and a natural choice if you want a dog that makes more 
weird breathing noises than a TB ward 
Labs - Labs are great, water proof and brush clean easily, most are made 
out of polyester. 
German shepherds are smart and easily trained, some people, however, 
find the goose stepping disturbing. 
Great Danes - Scooby Doo lives - Loving huge friendly smelly, 
everything a person could want in an indoor farm animal. 
Terriers, secret caffeine addicts that rarely slow down to a run. Come in 
about 50 different flavors, all of which are completely wired. 
Pit Bulls nice friendly loving animals that never do anybody any harm (the 
pit bull anti-defamation league insisted on me saying that, or they 
promised to break my knees) 
Mastiff - a Huge loving Huge lazy Huge drooling Huge family loving 
Huge dog. You should probably get yourself a large and very strongly built 
sofa before hauling one of these rhinos home with you. 
Border Collie at least 30 IQ points smarter than your teenager - you have 
to keep them busy at all times or they will begin to plot a coup. 
Dachshunds - according to the Insurance Institute the most claims filed for 
dog attacks are caused by dachshunds. They have heard all the wiener dog 
jokes and don't want to hear any more out of you. 
Chihuahua My first experience with a Chihuahua was when it peed on my shoe. 
You may not get off so easily . It has been suggested that Chihuahuas are 
not actually dogs but a species of rodent related to the South American 
variety of Rattus. 
Husky - a husky need a lot of exercise, let one drag you around the 
neighborhood twice a day and they are fine dogs. 
Australian Shepard (called that in the US, we can't get anything straight). 
Another one of the freakishly intelligent dogs.  Keep in mind that if this 
pup had vocal cords you would be working for him. 
Greyhounds, I know a greyhound, lays around all the time, eats anything 
never gains an ounce, don't you just hate people like that?  I bet other 
dogs talk bad about greyhounds behind their backs. 
Shelter Dogs, all shelter dogs are Labrador retrievers or whatever kind of 
dog the worker thinks you want. God bless the workers at the shelters but 
remember they are trying to find dogs homes. If they tell you it's a lab 
and it looks like a pit bull, I bet you can guess which one it probably is 
Rottweiler, a Doberman that has been hitting the gym.  A surprisingly good 
house pet if you don't mind them strutting around and showing off their 
muscles in various 'poses'. 
Shih Tzu - another dog that's heard all the jokes it needs to hear, at 
least it's too small to do as much damage as a dachshund. 
Poodle a surprisingly smart and trainable dog. Avoid the infamous poodle 
cut or the beast is likely to kill you in your sleep. 
Beagle - sadly very few of these dogs set on the roof of their dog house 
and pretend to be World War 1 flying aces. 
Collie - absolutely the choice for families with particularly dim-witted 
and clumsy kids who keep falling down holes.  A border collie would written 
off little Timmy season 1. 
Pomeranian - a puffball, this is the choice for faux painting, be sure to 
use latex paint. Wash and dry before putting it away for the day. 
St Bernard - all the 'advantages' of a Mastiff AND it is socially 
acceptable to equip it with a good stiff drink 
The Mutt - usually from a shelter - From its wet nose to its wagging tail 
will worship the ground you walk on, eats anything and has the constitution 
of a cast iron frying pan.  If people had the sense dogs do they would 
spend thousands of dollars on mutts and the shelters would be full of pure 
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones. 
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the 
Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired gruff Marine 
Corp Sargent Major of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense guy. 
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend for 
coffee.  While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill 
by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send 
me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are 
eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are  
crying, send me your tears. I love you." 
The husband responded:  "I'm on the toilet. Please advise." 
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength 
of the lifeboats. 
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new 
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. 
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. 
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror 
Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars but 
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. 
We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for, 
I have no idea. 
In hotel rooms, I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture 
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the 
impersonators would be dead. 
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man 
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. 
Home cooking.  Where many a man thinks his wife is. 
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. 
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the 
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. 
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part 
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. 
If you are depressed, you are living in the past.  
If you are anxious, you are living in the future.  
If you are at peace you are living in the present. 
 Lao Tzu 

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