Newsletter and jokes 29 December 2017

Hi all 
And so the year draws to a close ... been a rather hectic year with  
difficult business conditions (the stock exchange does not reflect things  
on the street), and embarrassing politics both here and abroad. 
Let's hope 2018 is a lot better :-) 
Anyway... in the comfort of the air-conditioned cinemas, we have the  
reboot/remake/relaunch of Jumanji, which did reasonably well last week 
Stateside and in the UK, given that it is up against the Star Wars 
Also up, with popular and some critical appeal, is the biopic of famed 
US showman PT Barnum (he of the famous "There's a sucker born every 
minute" alleged quote). 
Lastly on the art circuit we have Beatriz at Dinner, for some cerebral  
No previews this week. Take care with the partying :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Released 29 December 2017 
* Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (13 LV) 
* Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (3D) (13 LV) 
* Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (4DX) (13 LV) 
* The Greatest Showman (PG10-12 VP) 
* Beatriz at Dinner (13 LVPD)  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he 
spotted a sweet young thing. 
He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, 
to impress that sweet young thing over there?" 
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby" 
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part 
in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 
The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part." 
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table 
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap 
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the 
duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for 
$10,000 for the duck and the pot. 
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck 
is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't 
dance a single step!" 
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle 
under the pot?" 
Okay this is just silly, but... 
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" 
Barman says: "No." 
Duck says: "Got any bread?" 
Barman says: "No." 
Duck says: "Got any bread?" 
Barman says: "No, we have no bread." 
Duck says: "Got any bread?" 
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!" 
Duck says: "Got any bread?" 
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask 
me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!" 
Duck says: "Got any nails?" 
Barman says: "No" 
Duck says: "Got any bread? 
This bloke stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, 
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and 
speed, driving his golfing mate nuts. 
Finally his exasperated mate says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit 
the bloody ball!" 
His mate replies, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I 
want to make this a perfect shot." 
"No way! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here." 
The Old Perfesser hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. 
When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over 
in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, 
saying, "You look like Helen Brown." 
"Well, you don't look so great in blue!" the woman snapped back. 
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with men. The problem 
lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right. 
The left half has nothing right in it. 
And the right half has nothing left in it! 
Billy was excited about attending school. So excited in fact, that only a 
few minutes after his first class started, he desperately needed to go to 
the toilet. 
Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the 
teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. 
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. 
"I can't find it", he admitted. 
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should 
go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. 
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. 
Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I 
still can't find it". 
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a 
while, to help Billy find the toilet. 
So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and 
sit down at their seats. 
The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you two find it?" 
Tommy was quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on 
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little 
boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' 
asked the preacher. 
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little 
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike 
in trade for it?' 
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the 
bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.' 
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a 
few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little 
boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.' 
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it 
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a 
Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.' 
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on 
that rope. It'll come back to ya! 

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