Newsletter and jokes 19 January 2018

Hi all 
Well the schools are up and running so nothing new for the kiddies this  
What we DO have instead is the highly-rated and acclaimed The Shape of 
Water, which boldly goes where Avatar dared not venture. 
Then more main-stream, some feel-good fare in the shape of Megan Leavey and  
Breathe, while the next instalment in the Insidious series offers counter- 
programming on the dark side. 
Lastly the controversial Hindi film Padmavati, which was pulled last year,  
is screening under a new title in both 2D and 3D, as Padmavaat. 
No previews this week. 
This is probably my favourite time of the cinema year, as the Oscar-bait  
films hit the screens. 
Enjoy :-) 
Released 19 January 2018 
* The Shape of Water (16 LVNS) 
* Breathe (PG7-9) 
* Megan Leavey (13 L) 
* Insidious: The Last Key (16 VH) 
* Padmaavat (Hindi) 
* Padmaavat (3D) (Hindi)  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the 
end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making R15 notes. 
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of 
money is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his 
phony money for real cash. 
He travels to a small town in the Northern Cape and walks into a small "Mom 
and Pop" grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks 
him, "Do you have change for R15?" 
The old man replies, "Ja, Boet. How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or  
two 6s and a three?"  
Two blondes were walking down the street. 
The first blonde said "hey - look at that dog with one eye!" 
The second blonde covered one eye with her hand and said - "Where?" 
"Barbra Streisand told Diane Sawyer that we're in a global warming crisis, 
and we can expect more and more intense storms, droughts and dust bowls. 
But before they act, weather experts say they're still waiting to hear from 
Celine Dion." -Jay Leno 
"Governor Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming. 
Schwarzenegger's exact words were: fire, hot, bad." -Conan O'Brien 
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store 
clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor. The 
paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency 
open heart bypass surgery. 
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the 
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding 
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was 
going to pay for his treatment. 
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. 
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 
He replied, "No money in the bank." 
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the 
irritated nun. 
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." 
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns 
are married to God." 
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." 
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She 
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb 
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  It's hard to 
believe these were actually done by first graders.  Their insight may 
surprise you.  While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 
6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 
1. Don't change horses 
until they stop running. 
2. Strike while the 
bug is close. 
3. It's always darkest before 
Daylight Saving Time. 
4. Never underestimate the power of 
5. You can lead a horse to water but 
6. Don't bite the hand that 
looks dirty. 
7. No news is 
A miss is as good as a 
9. You can't teach an old dog new 
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll 
stink in the morning. 
11. Love all, trust 
12. The pen is mightier than the 
13. An idle mind is 
the best way to relax. 
14. Where there's smoke there's 
15. Happy the bride who 
gets all the presents. 
16. A penny saved is 
not much. 
17. Two's company, three's 
the Musketeers. 
Don't put off till tomorrow what 
you put on to go to bed. 
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and 
You have to blow your nose. 
20. There are none so blind as 
Stevie Wonder. 
21. Children should be seen and not 
spanked or grounded. 
22. If at first you don't succeed 
get new batteries. 
23. You get out of something only what you 
See in the picture on the box 
24. When the blind lead the blind 
get out of the way. 
25. A bird in the hand 
is going to poop on you. 
26. Better late than 
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. 
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. 
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. 
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. 
Realising his employer won't be best pleased; 
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat 
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, 
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. 
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. 
What can he do? 
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, 
Because lions eat anything. 
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. 
He moved on to the last job,  Which is to collect honey from the South 
African bees. 
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. 
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. 
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - 
because lions eat anything. 
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. 
He wanders up to the other lions and says 
'What's the food like here?' 
The lions say: 
'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.' 
Prince Harry has announced that he doesn't want the traditional fruitcake 
at his wedding. 
Prince Phillip has said that he doesn't care, he's still going !! 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. 
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. 
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the 
foot of my bed. 
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe 
that 2:30am?! 
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 

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