Newsletter and jokes 2 February 2018

Hi all 
A relatively small lineup this week, with two good movies for your enjoyment. 
First up is Darkest Hour, which has enabled Gary Oldman to collect a string of  
awards. Likewise, local film Inxeba: The Wound also opens today, bearing its 
own impressive string of awards. 
On the popular circuit we have the action thriller Den of Thieves, while the  
somewhat faith-based 6 Below rounds out the lineup. 
On the previews side, there are previews all over next Wednesday evening for  
Fifty Shades Freed ... enjoy. 
Businesswise, Jumanji is now 4th on the all-time Top Ten list, and may overtake  
Avatar to move into 3rd spot shortly. And while not making headlines,  
The Greatest Showman continues to chug along in the middle of the top ten, both 
here and in the USA ... kinda like the little engine that could. 
Released 2 February 2018 
* Darkest Hour (PG7-9) 
* Inxeba: The Wound (16 LS) 
* Den of Thieves (16 LV) 
* 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain (13 VD)  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
After both suffering depression for a while, me and my husband were going 
to commit suicide yesterday. 
But strangely enough, once he killed himself I started to feel a lot 
So I thought screw it, I'll soldier on! 
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose 
lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was 
born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. 
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their 
senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood 
early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. 
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally 
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy 
in all respects. 
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was 
swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope  
died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope. 
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In 
less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and 
the world waited to see whom they had chosen. 
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that 
Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! 
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with 
all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. 
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private 
session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long 
silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to 
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the 
thought of the leader of the 
Roman Catholic Church being called ................ POPE SECOLA. 
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'. Arriving 
in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught 
The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." 
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price," 
and handed over his money. 
"Will you be wanting a glass with that?" enquired the barman.......... 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney's Eastern 
Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem. A number of the girls 
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. 
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their 
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the 
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put 
them back. Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. 
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the 
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a 
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night 
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). 
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she 
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, 
and cleaned the mirror with it. The silence was broken by a large number of 
gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone  fainted. Since then 
there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 
There are teachers . . . And then there are educators. 
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She 
called Five Horses". 
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" 
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean... 
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any 
racial or ethnic minority so try this one: 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an 
Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a 
Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a 
Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a 
Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night 
club. The bouncer said: 
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai" 
A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in 
front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the 
rooster and killed it. 
He decided that he should go and tell the farmer, so he got out of his car 
and walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door and 
knocked. The farmer came to the door and the man said "I'm afraid I've 
killed your rooster, please let me replace him". 
The farmer said "Help yourself, the hens are out in the back". 
An Irishman arrived at J. F. K. Airport and wandered around the terminal 
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he 
was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me 
luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. 

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