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Newsletter and jokes: 6 April 2018

Hi all

So this week sees South Africa enter the list of countries with its own
take on the Western genre, with the multi-award-winning Five Fingers
for Marseilles rolling in cinemas.

Five Fingers is joined on the action front with another look at the famous
raid on Entebbe by Israeli special forces, this version has access to
information which the first film did not.

Changing pace somewhat to teen angst territory, we have Midnight Sun about
love-stricken teenagers trying to make love work when nature has other 

We seem to be having a steady weekly diet of horror these days, and this 
week we have A Quiet Place, joined in the mystery department by Missing,
from Bollywood, which appears to be based on the true case of the little
Madeleine McCann, as adjusted for India. 

Lastly on the light relief side we have Hampstead at the Nouveaus (and 
elsewhere) and Blackmail from Bollywood. 

On the previews side, there are previews during the day on Sunday, at
selected cinemas, for upcoming animated film Here Comes the Grump. See 
the previews page and remember to book.

Released 6 April 2018

* 7 Days in Entebbe (16 LVPD)
* Five Fingers for Marseilles (16 LV)
* Hampstead (PG10-12 LSP)
* Midnight Sun (13 SD)
* A Quiet Place (16 VH)
* Blackmail
* Missing

Forthcoming attractions

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to
the Council about problems with their apartments...

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his c*ck wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color &
not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.


A lorry carrying onions on the N1 has overturned.

Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has
huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I
had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So ... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you?


My wife has told me that my constant references to seafood are immature.

I told her to stop being so shellfish.


Boss Asks Employee:"Do you believe that there is Life After Death?"

Employee:"Certainly not, there's no proof of it", he replied.

Boss:"Well, there is now.  After you left early yesterday to go to your
brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."


The man who invented the TV remote control died yesterday. They found his
body down the back of his sofa.


A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers,
"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There, your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male!"

HampsteadMidnight SunA Quiet Place
Blackmail7 Days in EntebbeMissingFive Fingers for Marseilles
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