Newsletter and jokes 20 April 2018

Hi all 
Well the good news is that I have managed to re-enable click-through from 
the showtimes pages to Nu Metro's booking engine... consider it in beta 
for the moment and please double-check venue, movie, date and time before 
confirming the booking... 
The big release this week is the raucous comedy Blockers, while the kiddies 
can enjoy a view of Early Man.  
This week's almost-obligatory horror release is The Strangers: Prey at  
Night, while the art circuit offers a look at Deep Throat from the  
Watergate scandal back in the 1970s, and a family drama set in the wine 
industry in France. 
Bollywood offers a family crime drama (as opposed to a crime family drama). 
On the previews side, there are isolated previews next Wednesday for the 
chick-flick comedy I Feel Pretty (opening in the USA this weekend), and  
tomorrow Saturday for the upcoming Afrikaans adult comedy/drama Wonderlus. 
See the previews page and remember to book. 
Note this is a "short" week due to the mega long weekend next week, with 
two new releases opening next Thursday and Avengers: Infinity War next 
Enjoy :-) 
Released 20 April 2018 
* Blockers (16 LSND) 
* Early Man (PG V) 
* Mark Felt: The Man Who Brought Down the White House (PG10-12 L) 
* The Strangers: Prey at Night (18 LVH) 
* Back to Burgundy (13 LSD) 
* Beyond the Clouds  
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper for your phone)  
Pick of the Week (to be decided shortly)  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an 
atomic number of 82. 
I'm easily lead. 
The Female Demerit System 
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. 
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and 
points are subtracted. 
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the 
way the game is played. 
Here is a guide to the point system: 
You make the bed (+1) 
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) 
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) 
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) 
But return with Beer (-5) 
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1) 
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) 
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) 
You pummel it with iron rod (+10) 
It's her pet (-20) 
You stay by her side the entire party (0) 
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school 
friend (-2) 
Named Tina (-10) 
Tina is a dancer (-20) 
Tina has silicone implants (-80) 
You take her out to dinner (+2) 
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) 
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) 
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) 
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the 
colours of your favourite team (-10) 
You take her to a movie (+1) 
You take her to a movie she likes (+3) 
You take her to a movie you hate (+6) 
You take her to a movie you like (-2) 
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3) 
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy 
Hawaiian shirts (-30) 
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000) 
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) 
You hesitate in responding (-10) 
You reply, "Where?" (-35) 
Any other response (-20) 
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks 
like a concerned expression (0) 
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) 
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) 
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000) 
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. 
I was maybe 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. 
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of 
my favourite toys. 
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought 
Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea 
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. 
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, 
because it was just the cutest thing! My Mum waited, and sure enough, here 
I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink 
it up. 
Then she says, (as only a mother would know), 
Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is 
the toilet? 
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a 
young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the 
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as 
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly 
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. 
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, 
that's a good looking baby . . . and he sure was hungry!" 
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said 
nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. 
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion 
"What a shame. And all these years, I've been chewing gum." 
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 
'Mommy,' the little girl asks how old she is. "You don't ask a lady her 
age,' the mother replied. 
'It's not polite.' 
'OK', the little girl says,'How much do you  weigh?' 
'Now really,' the mother says, 
'those are personal questions and are really  none of your business.' 
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' 
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her 
'Well,' says the friend, 
'all you  need to do is look at her driver's license. 
It's like a report card, it has everything  on it.' 
Later that night the little girl  says to her mother, 
'I know how old you are.  You are 32.' 
The mother is surprised and  asks, 
'How did you find that out? 
'I  also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' 
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 
'I know why you and  daddy got a divorce.' 
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 
'Because you got an F in s*x.' 

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