Newsletter and jokes 29 June 2018

Hi all 
Half way through the year already. Been a rather awkward six months For  
me since I smashed my left wrist back in January. Still not perfect but 
a lot better than surgeon initially thought it would be. 
Anyway, the movies... the big release this week is the family film Duck 
Duck Goose, which has not been released Stateside yet. That's followed by 
the female-friendly Book Club, and Love, Simon which I thought would be 
on the art circuit given the subject matter but it's on the commercial 
For the adults we have another heist film, very different to last week's  
Ocean's 8, as well as a buddy-comedy. Lastly Bollywood supplies Sanju,  
about the life of actor Sanjay Dutt. 
Businesswise, last weekend saw only the second-ever back-to-back weekend 
where the biggest film grossed over 100 mill USD. Even more interesting, 
both #1 (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom) and #2 (Incredibles 2) grossed  
over 100 M$. 
Locally, Avengers: Infinity War has now moved into the 3rd spot on the  
all-time Top Ten list, with about half a mill to go to dethrone The Fate 
of the Furious and sit at number two behind stable mate Black Panther. 
No previews this week. 
Enjoy :-) 
Released 29 June 2018 
* Duck Duck Goose (PG V) 
* Book Club (13 LSD) 
* Love, Simon (13 L) 
* Tag (16 LVD) 
* The Hurricane Heist (16 LV) 
* Sanju   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin 
and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. 
It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" 
A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of 
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the 
To Whom It May Concern, 
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious 
humans.) They have an active s*x life, get pregnant and have adorable baby 
whales.  They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with 
shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like 
Patagonia , the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are 
wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible 
creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. 
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world. 
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside 
the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or 
They don't have a s*x life because they kill men who get close to them, not 
to mention how could they have s*x? Just look at them ... where is IT? 
Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get 
close to a girl who smells like a fish store? 
The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale. 
P. S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only 
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my 
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of 
chocolate with my friends. 
With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and 
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to 
the rest of our bodies.  So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, 
educated and happy. 
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good 
grief, look how smart I am!¨ 
Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) Comes to Scotland to Conquer the 
Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, there 
suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, 
ginger-haired guy in a kilt. 'Hammer O the Scots?' yells the wee Scottish 
guy on the hill. 'Come up here, ya English bastards, And I'll give ye a 
Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little 
Scottish upstart, he says. The commander sends twenty of His best men over 
the hill to kill the Scotsman. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the 
the little Scot appears again. 'Ya English diddies!' he yells. 'Come on the 
rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye all!' 
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 
men to kill that little guttersnipe!' The commander sends 100 men over the 
hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top 
of the 
Hill once more, his hair all sticking up, His shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya 
English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English 
Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM 
THE EARTH!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on 
horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little 
Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, His face is covered in blood, 
Snot and 
Irn-Bru. 'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! 
Come and have a go ya bunch of English Turds!!!' he yells. 
Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and 
don't come back till you've killed him!' he commands.  The second in 
command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. 
Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the 
hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. 'Your Majesty!' 
he yells. 
 'It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!!!' 
  A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for 
      Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View 
restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very 
      10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed 
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should 
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was better than 
most places and the wine selection was extensive. 
      10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed 
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should 
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace 
and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 
      10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed 
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should 
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair 
accessible and they even had an elevator. 
      10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed 
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should 
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there 
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels 
for her.  When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few 
miles apart Ed was ecstatic.  He immediately started asking her out when 
they got home. 
   Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, 
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.  Ed became convinced that 
Dorothy    was indeed his soul mate and true love.  Every date seemed 
better than the last. 
   On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, 
Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.  While having c*cktails and waiting 
for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with 
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the 
next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life 
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.  I 
play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.  In short, I eat, sleep, 
and breathe golf.  If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better 
say so now!" 
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a 
problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're 
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last 
five years I've been a hooker." 
   "Oh wow!  I see," Ed replied.  He looked down at the table, and was 
quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's 
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the 
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work 
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo 
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. 
Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and 
messed him up bad... I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to 
tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. 
Better wait outside. Be right back. 

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