Newsletter and jokes 7 September 2018

Hi all 
It's pretty much an adults-only week this week as far as the new releases 
First up we have local legal crime drama, Ellen: Die Ellen Pakkies Storie,  
which has been eagerly anticipated and attracted good audiences for the  
premieres. Staying with issues of a social nature, Spike Lee's  
BlacKkKlansman takes an undercover look at America's Klu Klux Klan. It's  
worth noting that this film was almost banned here. 
Then we have the latest installment in The Conjuring series, which goes 
back to the beginning in some ways to see how the whole thing got started. 
Lastly on the commercial circuit, Mark Wahlburg delivers some of his  
trademark action sequences in Mile 22. 
Bollywood is rolling out a look at the (thankfully brief) Indo-Sino war 
from 1967, though I can't see how this is going to help relations between 
the two countries at the moment.  
Lastly there is a single preview/premiere for upcoming local comedy 
Table Manners next Thursday at Brooklyn Commercial. See the previews page 
and remember to book. 
We're missing the showtimes for the CineCentre chain and hope to have them 
up later. 
Releasing 7 September 2018 
* Ellen: Die Ellen Pakkies Storie (16 LVD) 
* BlacKkKlansman (16 LVPDB) 
* The Nun (16 VH) 
* The Nun (IMAX) (16 VH) 
* The Nun (4DX) (16 VH) 
* Mile 22 (16 LV) 
* Paltan (Hindi)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A travelling salesman's car broke down so he found his way to the farmer's 
house. They welcomed him and offered him a glass of lemonade while Junior 
fixed his jalopy. The salesman noticed a pig sitting by the edge of the 
porch that had only two legs. He asked about it. 
"Well," said the farmer, "That's Henry. He's no ordinary pig. Last year we 
was all a-sleepin' when the house caught fire. Henry come 
a-running' in and woke us all up and saved every last one of us from a 
fiery death. No sir, he's no ordinary pig. 
Then, around Christmas, I fell under the tractor and woulda been chewed up 
somethin' fierce if Henry hadn't seen it and dragged me out in the nick of 
time. Why, just last month the banker come around to take away the farm and 
Henry run him off and we never seen him again. Yes sir, Henry is no 
ordinary pig, that's for sure." 
The salesman was humbled. "But why does he only have two legs?" he asked. 
"Well, you see, son," said the farmer, "A pig like that you don't eat all 
at once." 
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his whole family were avid 
bowlers. However, since all the Swiss league records were unfortunately 
destroyed in a fire, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm 
"Now, settle down," replied the doc calmly, "You'll just have to be a 
little patient." 
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that 
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his 
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the 
way back with his catch, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to 
wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and 
charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and 
urinals, leaving no clues. The chief constable was quoted as saying, "We 
have absolutely nothing to go on." 
An Indian chief, feeling very sick, summoned the medicine man. After a 
brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk 
rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and 
swallow one inch of the leather every day. 
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. 
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers 
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage to find his name 
missing from the town register. 
His wife loudly complained about the insult, and a civic official who 
apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an 
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became 
pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the 
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the 
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 
 A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies 
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a 
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. 
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the 
eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, 
who needs enemas?" 
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on 
the same night. 
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often. 
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a 
garage makes you a car. 
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice 
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.) 
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 
11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your 
differences. Love each other. 
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist 
change places. 
16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed. 
17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks 
before you need it. 
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake 
when you make it again. 
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real 
23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 
24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' 
25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never 
want you to share yours with them. 
26. You should not confuse your career with your life. 
27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
28. Never lick a steak knife. 
29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling 
reason why we observe daylight savings time. 
31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests 
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging 
from her at that moment. 
32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, 
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down 
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 
33. Your friends love you anyway. 
34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur 
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 
35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? 

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