Newsletter and jokes 6 March 2020

Hi all 
Well the next big release from Disney/Pixar, Onward, lands today, and early 
reviews have been good, so it's likely to do well. 
Moving up the age ladder, we have two smaller releases aimed at niche 
markets, firstly a twist on the classic Hansel & Gretel tale, which found 
more favour with the critics than the public, and an offbeat urban romance, 
The Photograph, which had reasonable reviews from press and public alike. 
For the adults, we have the new crime drama from noted director Guy Ritchie, 
which found more favour with the public than the press. It's on reasonably 
wide release so should be showing somewhere near you. 
Bollywood has one release, the high-octane actioner Baaghi 3. 
There are previews in selected venues next Thursday for the upcoming Vin 
Diesel sci-fi action Bloodshot. See the previews page and remember to book. 
Enjoy :-) 
New this week 
* Onward (3D) (PG V) 
* Onward (PG V) 
* Onward (3D IMAX) (PG V) 
* Gretel & Hansel (13 VH) 
* The Photograph (13 LS) 
* The Gentlemen (18 LSVD) 
* Baaghi 3 (Hindi)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (cellphone wallpaper ...)  
Pick of the Week   
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Twenty, Best and Worst Movies by Critical Rating.  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Thanks, Ian 
When Brig. Gen. ‘Chesty’ Puller’s First Marine Regiment was surrounded by  
six Chinese divisions at Chosin in Korea, Puller made one of the typical  
statements for which he is famous: 
“Well, we’ve got the enemy on our right flank, our left flank, in front of  
us and behind us. They won’t get away this time!” 
“LOOK AT YOU!” shouted the sergeant indignantly, as he glanced over a bunch 
of new and unsavoury-looking recruits. 
“Your ties are crooked. Your hair ain’t combed. Your boots ain’t polished.  
Your trousers ain’t pressed... Suppose some country suddenly declared war!” 
Our drill gleefully realized that it was too late for our sergeant to  
prevent the entire front rank from walking into the side of our barracks,  
because he hadn’t allowed himself time to fire the proper order. 
As if by mental telepathy, each of us made up his mind to walk straight 
into the wall in formation, at rigid attention.  
There was a ragged thump as 10 soldiers hit the wall.  
But before any of us had a chance to get a smile halfway in his face, the  
sergeant let go.  
“If you men had been properly aligned,” he barked, “you’d all have hit that  
wall at once!” 
My siste-in-law, sending some homemade cookies to brighten my Christmas in  
Vietnam, wasn’t taking any chance with my health.  
A note on the outer wrapping read: “If this package arrives after 10  
January, give it to the enemy.” 
My son returned home after fighting for the US army in Iraq.  
But I still couldn’t help reacting like a mum when I saw him on the base 
running over to some buddies to return a bayonet.  
“Kevin!” I shouted before I could stop myself.  
“Don’t run with that knife in your hands!” 
While working as nurse in the maternity ward, I asked a young medical  
student why he was so enthusiastic about obstetrics.  
He said sheepishly, “When I was on medical rounds I suffered from heart  
attacks, asthma and scabies. In surgery I was sure I had ulcers. In the  
psychiatric wards I thought I was losing my mind.  
Now, in obstetrics I can relax.” 
Asked why she never wore her glasses when she went out with her boyfriend,  
the girl explained,  
“I look better to Harold without them — and he looks better to me.” 
My 80-year-old grandmother, who drives a car like a cowboy, prides herself  
on never having had to pay a fine.  
Recently she almost spoilt her record. Sailing through a stop sign, she was  
stopped by a policeman. 
When she appeared in court, the magistrate looked at Grandma and said she  
had no business to be driving at her age — this was obviously a case of  
poor eyesight.  
With that, Grandma pulled a sewing kit out of her bag, threaded a needle at 
her first try and handed it to the magistrate.  
“Your turn,” she said. 
He failed. The case was dismissed. 
When a four-year-old neighbour visited our house, I showed her our pet  
tortoise, which refused to move.  
Even after we gently tapped its carapace, the tortoise would not come out  
of its shell. 
The little girl was perplexed. 
“No battery?” she asked. 
Several years ago, while I was serving with the Air Force at a remote air  
base where domestic help was not available, my wife suddenly had to leave  
us for a few days. 
Aware of my lack of culinary skills, and concerned about our two children’s  
diet, she gave me a crash course in preparing eggs for breakfast, then made  
food packets and stored them.  
I was only required to heat the contents and serve them twice a day. 
The day after her departure, I opened the fridge to find neat packages  
marked ‘lunch,’ ‘dinner’ and, over a tray of eggs, ‘break first.’ 
When my daughter called to announce that she and her room-mate were moving  
out of their university dormitory to an apartment occupied by two college  
men, I asked if she’d considered her father’s reaction. 
“Oh, Mom,” she said, “tell him not to worry. We don’t even know these guys.” 
During my second year at Whitman College in Walla Walla, Washington, I was  
having trouble deciding on a major.  
In an agonizing discussion with my adviser, I decided to double major in  
astrophysics and theatre.  
Getting up to leave, I said, “Thanks for your help. But what am I going to  
do once I graduate?” 
My adviser shrugged. “You could be a star,” he said. 
Sign in a New York store:  
“Complaints department on the 45th floor. 
Lift out of order; please use the stairs.” 

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