Newsletter and jokes 21 May 2021

Hi all 
Only one new film opening this week, which was Lesotho's entry for the  
Oscars. Given the nature of the film, it is on limited release, but there 
are plenty of other mainstream movies already on circuit for your viewing 
On the previews side, there are previews all over all day Saturday for next 
week's A Quiet Place Part II. This is part of the growing trend towards 
"arthouse quality" in main-stream horror films. Early reviews are very good, 
just like with the first in the series. See the previews page and remember 
to book. 
New this week: 
* This Is Not a Burial, It's a Resurrection (PG10-12 V)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (Cellphone wallpaper ...)  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Fries should be offered more often, like,  
“Yes, your mortgage was approved. Would you like fries with that?” 
Once heard a guy climbed Everest “because it was there” and just feel like  
the reason for one of the most strenuous feats in existence should be  
different to the reason I ate an entire litre of ice cream. 
Saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the  
Male teachers at my old school had to wear suits. But one colleague always 
managed to subvert the dress code by wearing the ugliest ties.  
Every day, staff and students alike couldn’t wait to see what hideous  
accessory he had on.  
When he retired, I finally asked him, “Why the ugly ties?” 
He responded, “Because that way, no one would ever know I only owned one  
I gave a presentation to a small town as part of my role with North  
Carolina’s department of transportation. At the end, I asked whether there  
were any questions. There was. 
“Can we move the deer-crossing sign on the state-owned road?” asked a 
“Why?” I asked. 
“That location isn’t a safe place for the deer to cross.” 
When I worked at an employment agency, I was interviewing a candidate for  
an entry-level job. I read his application as we talked: name, address, 
year of graduation and so on. 
Then I looked at what he had written next to the box that read  
“Position desired.” 
“Near a window,” it said. 
My kindergarten student needed a glue stick, so I opened my supply cabinet  
to see what I had.  
“Wow! You have a lot of stuff!” he said. “You must make a lot of money.  
Where do you work, anyway?” 
When you say 
ping me 
I want to punch 
you. It’s true. 
Bio break too. 
It makes me cringe. 
And if I’m being honest 
I don’t care about your 
ducks or the row 
they’re in. 
I don’t know what 
net-net means 
unless it’s being 
said by an excited 
tennis announcer. 
Come to think of it 
let’s not circle back 
or drill down 
or take a deep dive 
or take it off-line 
or level the 
playing field 
or create action items 
and honestly I don’t care 
if this won’t scale 
and may I add that 
going forward 
I would like to park 
this project. 
And this job. 
I quit. 
I have a hard stop. 
God is speaking to Moses. 
God: I’ve got good news and bad news. 
Moses: Give me the good news first. 
God: The good news is that you have been chosen to deliver my people from  
bondage. I will force the pharaoh to free the people by sending plagues of  
locusts, frogs, darkness, devastation and more. The pharaoh’s armies will  
chase you all the way to the Red Sea, but don’t worry. I will help you part 
the waters to aid your escape.  
Moses: So, what’s the bad news? 
God: You have to prepare the environmental impact statement. 
It was my wedding day, and no one was happier than my 78-year-old mother. 
But as she approached the church doors, an usher asked, “Which side are you 
“Oh, no,” she said. “Are they fighting already?” 
Recipes used to be terse instructions handwritten on an index card.  
Now you scroll through a Paris engagement story before you get to how to 
make the soup. 
When your mother asks, “Do you want some advice?” it’s a mere formality.  
It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. 
You can measure the happiness of a marriage by the number of scars that  
each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back  
angry words. 

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