Newsletter and jokes 20 March 2015

Hi all 
A happy Autumn to you all ;-) 
A small lineup this week, but there's three films previewing to  
compensate. The top spot will likely be a battle between episode two of the  
Divergent series, and keenly-anticipated local drama Ballade vir 'n Enkeling. 
On the previews side there's previews all over tomorrow for the DreamWorks 
Animation film Home, in both 2D and 3D, while next week Thursday sees  
previews for Cinderella and Afrikaans comedy Strikdas at selected venues. 
See the previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
20 March 2015 
* Lovesick (13 L) 	 
* McFarland, USA (PG7-9) 	 
* Ballade vir 'n Enkeling (16 L SV V) 	 
* The Divergent Series: Insurgent 
* The Divergent Series: Insurgent (3D) 
* The Divergent Series: Insurgent (3D)(IMAX)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 27 March  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (desktop for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: 
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something 
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me "I'm serious, Dad. Can you 
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his 
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking 
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at 
the lizard!" 
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." 
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" 
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't 
want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. 
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired 
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!). 
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most 
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. 
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she 
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). 
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I 
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a 
wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of 
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked 
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny 
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. 
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny 
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. 
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. 
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. 
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next 
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more 
times with the same results. 
"Should I call 000?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. 
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with 
the females in my house?) 
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my 
son holding the cage in his lap. 
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. 
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be 
so cruel to their own young. 
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for 
Pete's sake.). 
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little 
animal through a magnifying glass. 
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. 
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to 
you privately for a moment?" 
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. 
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In 
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a 
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male 
species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on 
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. 
We were silent, absorbing this. 
"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered. 
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. 
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. 
And then even laugh loudly. 
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I 
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. 
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just. .that . . I'm picturing 
you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . " She gasped for more 
air to bellow in laughter once more. 
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the 
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to 
be okay. 
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. 
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 
Two lizards: $140. 
One cage: $50. 
Trip to the vet: $30. 
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless! 
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. 
Lizards lay eggs. 
What is a grandparent? (taken from papers written by a class of 
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. 
They like other people's. 
A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! 
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see 
them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they 
drive us to the shops and give us money. 
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves 
and caterpillars. 
They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we 
shouldn't step on "cracks." 
They don't say, "Hurry up." 
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. 
They wear glasses and funny underwear. 
They can take their teeth and gums out. 
Grandparents don't have to be smart. 
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come 
dogs chase cats?" 
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the 
same story over again. 
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have 
television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with 
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers 
with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad. 
A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''she 
lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when 
we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.'' 
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but i don't 
get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their 
The Psychiatrist and Proctologist... 
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small 
town and put up a sign reading: 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and 
Posteriors.' The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors 
changed it to read, 'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.' 
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, 
they changed the sign to 'Catatonics and High Colonics.' No go. 
Next, they tried 'Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.' Thumbs down 
Then came 'Minds and Behinds.' Still no good. 
Another attempt resulted in 'Lost Souls and Butt Holes.' Unacceptable 
So they tried 'Analysis and Anal Cysts.' Not a chance. 'Nuts and Butts?' No 
way. 'Freaks and Cheeks?' Still no go. 'Loons and Moons?' Forget it. 
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: 'Dr. Smith and 
Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.' 
Everyone loved it. 
I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were four pall bearers walking 
around with a coffin. 
Three hours later they were still walking around with it. 
I thought to myself “These guys have lost the plot”. 
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. 
I thought, "That's Aboriginal." 
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was 
a turtle disaster. 
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I 
said, "No, permanent." 
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do 
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." 
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a 
Volkswagen with no driver. 
I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He 
said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow" 
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best 
Before End' 
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, 
just a watch." 
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke 
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?" 
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. 
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, 
"You've got cholera." 
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, 
it's P something T something R. 
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. 
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just 
went on and on. 
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? 
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." 
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for 
the custard." 
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. 
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." 
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" 
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you 
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip 
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" 
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" 
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes 
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" 
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been 
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd 
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing 
director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me 
what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" 
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a 
cat in there. 
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the 
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two 
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I 
said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams. 
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. 
It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped 
up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog 
Proctor: I beg your pardon? 
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. 
Proctor: Sorry, no. 
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me 
Cakes and Ale. 
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old 
Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and 
pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): 
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". 
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat 
there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. 
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword 
to the examination. 

Xax International logo
 Xax International
 All rights reserved.