Newsletter and jokes 15 May 2015

Hi all 
Last week's total for F&F7 was wrong, but as of last weekend it was sitting 
at 68.7 Million, which is still a record. 
Well Mad Max is back, bigger than ever in 2D, 3D and 3D IMAX ... overseas 
reviews are excellent (and one comment has already labelled it the Best Movie 
of 2015), so enjoy. Also up is the crowd-friendly sequel to Pitch Perfect. 
On the previews side, there are some previews next Thursday night for the  
Afrikaans drama Treurgrond, which may turn out to be controversial, given the 
subject matter (farm murders)(and may also explain why Steve has been saying 
the things he has lately). See the Previews page and remember to book. 
We have not received last week's Cinema Nouveau top ten yet. 
M O V I E S 
15 May 2015 
* Bombay Velvet (Hindi) 
* Purampokku (Tamil) 
* You're Not You (10 LDS) 
* Mad Max: Fury Road (13 V) 
* Mad Max: Fury Road (3D) (13 V) 
* Mad Max: Fury Road (3D)(IMAX) (13 V) 
* A Little Chaos (13 S) 	 
* Pitch Perfect 2 (PG10-12 L)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 8 May  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A bizzare news story from New Zealand: 
A court has heard how a woman had six of her bottom teeth removed with 
pliers, and her wisdom teeth, removed with a screwdriver. 
Philip Hansen is facing 11 charges, including assault and s*x charges, some  
of which involved using pliers to pull out teeth, from three 
separate victims. 
Hansen has pleaded not guilty to the charges, which span over a period of  
more than 20 years, and are said to have occurred at various locations 
in the Hutt Valley area in Wellington, New Zealand. 
Today, a police video, was played to the jury of nine men and three women 
In the video, a woman, whose identity has been suppressed, explained how  
she took a drive with Hansen one evening. 
She said they parked up, and moved to the back seat of the car, to have sex. 
She alleges Hansen then pulled out a pair of pliers, and an oily rag. 
She alleged that while holding her against the door, Hansen then removed  
six of her bottom teeth with a pair of pliers, and threw them outside 
the car window. He used the oily rag to stop the bleeding, she said. 
The woman said although she had been drinking, she did not consider herself  
to be heavily intoxicated. 
"After that sixth tooth came out, I got him to stop ... I was getting sore,  
and I didn't want him to go any further. 
She said she later had her remaining teeth removed at a dentist, at Hansen's  
Once her teeth were removed, and dentures were fitted, she said her wisdom  
teeth started to come through. 
She alleged Hansen removed her wisdom teeth with a screwdriver. 
"He had a screwdriver in his hand, he then tilted my head back ... after 
that he had grabbed the screwdriver, and started digging at the back of my  
gums, to try and get out these wisdom teeth." 
She said he gave her a glass of whiskey to dull the pain. 
The woman also alleged that Hansen would destroy her dentures, by snapping  
them, or flushing them down the toilet, and blaming the cat. 
The woman said while this was going on, she was too afraid to say anything. 
Earlier this morning, in her opening address, Crown prosecutor Sally Carter  
said throughout the trial the jury would hear evidence about 
Hansen's bizarre fascination, and obsession, with women's teeth. 
He liked his women without teeth. 
Ms Carter told the jury, that Hansen liked his women to be gummy ladies. 
The trial before Judge Bruce Davidson continues. 
A young couple recently got married and went on their honeymoon. When they 
got back, the bride immediately called her mother. 'Well,' said her 
mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?' 
'Oh, Mum' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!' Suddenly 
she burst out crying. 'But, mum as soon as we returned, Sam started using 
the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all 
these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home . PLEASE MUM!' 
'Sarah, Sarah,' her mother said, 'calm down!' You need to stay with your 
husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 
4-letter words?' 
'Please don't make me tell you, mum' wept the daughter, 'I'm so 
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!' 
'Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these 
horrible 4-letter words!' 
Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mum . . he used words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, 
and Cook ...' 
'I'll pick you up in twenty minutes,' said the mother...... 
In the days before email .... 
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. 
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In 
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase 
a bull so that they can breed their own stock. 
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide 
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." 
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she 
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. 
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a 
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and 
says,  "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've 
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup 
truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." 
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 
it will cost 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the 
brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. 
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her 
the word "comfortable." 
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want 
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul 
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" 
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it 
very slowly.... "com-for-da-bul." 
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As 
always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime 
approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.  
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had  
been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began 
calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. 
"Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!" 
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again 
shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?" 
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from 
deep within the mine. 
"Vote for Jacob Zuma, Vote for Jacob Zuma." 
"Vote for Jacob Zuma, Vote for Jacob Zuma." 
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself, and prayed, "Oh, thank you, 
Lord! At least Dopey is still alive." 
Effective advertising: 
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." 
In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels." 
On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels 
At a Proctologist's door: 
"To expedite your visit, please back in." 
On a Plumber's truck: 
"We repair what your husband fixed." 
On another Plumber's truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber" 
On a Church's Billboard: 
"7 days without God makes one weak." 
At a Towing company: 
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." 
On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts." 
In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate 
On a Maternity Room door: 
"Push. Push. Push." 
At an Optometrist's Office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." 
On a Taxidermist's window: 
"We really know our stuff." 
On a Fence: 
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" 
At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." 
Outside a Muffler Shop: 
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." 
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 
At the Electric Company 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. 
However, if you don't, you will be ..." 
In a Restaurant window: 
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." 
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully. We'll wait." 
At a Propane Filling Station: 
"Thank heaven for little grills." 
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 
"Best place in town to take a leak." 
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.  One 
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole 
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other. Then moved on 
to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl 
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. 
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what 
They were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort 
you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a 
hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" 
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably 
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl 
who plants the trees called in sick." 
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important  
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,  
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass  
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" 
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. 
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." 
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he 
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 
The man said, "I do, Father." 
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. 
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. 
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to 
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." 
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you 
die you don't want to go to heaven?" 
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group 
together to go right now." 

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